Johnny Ramtops is bored; working at safe way on the till he
is bored out of his mind and barely putting in the effort to move one item
across the scanner to the next. He is wearing the typical Safeways uniform, his
head is shaved and there are holes in his face where his piercings have been
taken out. He is halfway through scanning a customer’s shopping his phone goes
off to the first bunch of bars of “Don’t Fear the Reaper” (Blue Oyster Cult)
and he picks it up, completely disregarding the customer -in front of him. He
answers and starts talking to his best friend Dante Weatherblack-StormRaven, to
which Johnny answers the phone saying “Hi Frank” Dante berates him and asks him
to use his Goth name instead of his normal name. Johnny apologises to Dante and
asks what is going on. Dante asks if Johnny wants to go to the Rock Bottom, the
best rock club in their small town of Stockton-upon-the-sea and if he fancies
meeting their mutual friend and fuck-up Edgar. Johnny considers this for a
moment and after debating the factor he’s been out the previous three nights,
he decides to go for it. After all it’s only a Monday!
Dante is lying in his black bedroom on his black bed sheets
when he gets off the phone to Johnny. He gets up to put on his black shoes when
he trips up over them, hidden by the black carpet and sighs. Muttering about
how hard it is to be Goth and his mum wearing a flowery apron asks if he’d like
any tea. After accepting the Tea his mum asks if he’s going to his job as a
night time shelf stocker at the local Asda, Dante explains that he cant be
arsed at the moment and he’s going out with his friends instead, after a brief
worried expression from his mum she soon accepts this fate and says she’ll iron
his black shirts. Dante Calls up Edgar Hugh Warner who is also at work and
after a few brief rings he gets through to Edgar. Dante has trouble speaking to
him and the Conversation is interceded with the occasional short sharp squeak,
Eventually Edgar goes where he can talk clearer and explains that all the rats
he caught his afternoon have to be killed manually because they’ve run out of
poison. Dante Groans at this news and simply asks him if he is still up for
going to Rock Bottom tonight. Edgar confirms he is still going out and ends the
call with a protracted and long screech of RAAAWWWKKK. Dante is left rubbing a
finger around his ear.
Later they all meet up at the Bucket and Puke Pub where
Edgar and Dante are sat at a table, both with drinks and a copy of Metal Hammer
open on the table, When Johnny arrives at the table they start discussing all
the year’s gigs. Edgar is excited about Rage against the Machine playing Leeds
after being broken up for years, Where as Dante talks excitedly about Download
and how Entombed are supporting Cradle of Filth. Johnny Peruses the list and
sighs whimsically , and starts talking about how Ozzfest hasn’t been in Britain
for years, Flicking over the pages that contain details of the extensive list
rock legends being head-lined by Ozzy Ozbourne that played last year. Edgar
points out the Club has been open for ten minutes and they quickly down their
pints and head out to the club.
Once inside the club, Dante and Edgar head to the dance
floor while Johnny goes to the bar for more drink, looking pensive, he
defiantly has something on his mind. Johnny walks forcefully to the dance floor
and goes to speak to Dante about going to a festival, whereas Dante says that
none of them make enough more to drink regularly and go to a festival. Johnny
grumbles and walks off in a mood. He walks to the bar and proceeds to get
horrendously drunk, and while Dante and Edgar and drunk too, very drunk in
fact, but Johnny’s drunkenness even worries them. And then calamity strikes
when an obese rocker with a Metallica T-shirt barely covering his stomach
mounts the raised stage. Like Moses parting the Red Sea the crowd knows the
inevitable next series of events, All except for one, While Johnny is head
banging as hard as he can, he looks up just in time too see the fat rocker
block out the lights above him and then he is crushed with an almighty crunch.
Dante and Edgar are looking on with shock at the spot where their best friend
used to be. The Obese rocker gets up
painfully and staggers off to the bar unaware while Johnny lays on the floor,
bent and unconscious. Thankfully the bar staff have seen this happen far too often
and have called an Ambulance already while Dante and Edgar try to get a
response from Johnny.
Johnny is in darkness when he starts to hear the strum of
guitar, then the drums and soon the song starts to come together. AC-DC’s
“Highway to Hell” is playing while he finds himself sitting in what looks like
a very plush waiting room with a reception that has no receptionist. There are
pictures on the walls. Johnny stands easily, like he was never hurt at all and
looks at the pictures of Freddie Mercury, Jimi Hendrix, Phil Lynott and Ian
“Lemmy” Kilmister with a TBC under his name. Johnny gives a shudder when the
door to the office opens by itself and Johnny Reluctantly walks through and sat
in the chair is Elton John. Johnny asks him what Elton John is doing here, and
in fact, what he himself is doing there. Elton explains that he isn’t really
Elton John, but the devil, and that he chose the image of Elton John to put
Johnny at ease with his current situation.
The Devil explains that Johnny is dead, or nearly dead, and
that the Devil will bring him back if he gets to keep his soul, Johnny is
reluctant and so the Devil offers him a bet, that if he cant make it to Ozzfest
within the year he’ll take his soul and his life, if Johnny does make it to
Ozzfest he will keep his soul and he will live a long life. Johnny hesitates
and eventually signs the contract and as soon as he does everything for him
fades away.
Johnny wakes up in the Ambulance with Dante sat with him
next to him humming “Kick Start my Heart” by Mötley Crüe. Dante notices that
Johnny is awake and tells him that he’s being taken to the hospital for
concussion and that Edgar is behind in his car, then Dante gets a text on his
phone and shrugs, saying that Edgar is already there, wondering where they are.
Johnny explains his encounter with the devil and how he has to get too Ozzfest
within the year. Dante cringes and pulls out his copy of Metal Hammer and shows
Johnny the back advert with the last day of Ozzfest is in 1day in Hull! Dante
explains he only recently found out himself and since they’ve already sold out
he didn’t think it worth mentioning. Johnny groans at this news and faints.
Johnny and Dante end up meeting Edgar just outside accident
and emergency and take Johnny to a bed. While he recovers with a glass of
orange juice, Johnny and Dante relay to Edgar Johnny’s near-devil experience.
After Edgar is initially sceptical he accepts that they have to get tickets to
Ozzfest, three of course because none of them want to miss it, even if it is a
quest to save Johnny’s soul. Dante suggests looking on Ebay because people
always wait to the last minute to sell for the highest Price. Johnny sighs and
wonders where they can all get that money when Edgar grumbles that he’d been
saving for a high definition television. Johnny grins and thanks him, promising
to pay him back.
After leaving the hospital with Johnny, He and Dante get
into Edgar’s car, an old Mini Countryman, which he lovingly calls Alice, in the
early hours of the morning, all of them absolutely tired beyond belief but with
a mission in their mind. They reach Dante’s home and the three of them very
slowly walks across Dante’s entirely black room, trying not to trip up on any
hidden objects. They log onto Ebay on Dante’s computer and search for Ebay
tickets, they find one with some left, but for him to post them in time he
would have to send it a week ago. So
they contact the tout and arrange to go and buy the tickets off him personally.
In Manchester.
The three of them hop into Edgar’s car, and set off down the
motorway in speeds that would be dangerous, but Edgar’s car could just reach
enough speed to get onto the motorway as long as there isn’t a wind blowing in
the opposite direction and they go to Manchester.
The trio pull up on Oxford road in Manchester, having to
arranged to meet the tout in a pub called the Salisbury. Johnny and Dante get
out refreshed having slept most of the way; they leave Edgar to catch up on
some sleep. They meet the tout outside
the pub about midday and he’s sat at a table without a drink and it soon becomes
obvious why, he can barely pass for sixteen, let alone drinking age. Johnny and
Dante sit down with the tout, and start talking prices, the tout immediately
asks them to get him a cider and Johnny begrudgingly agrees to get him a drink
while Dante deals with him. The dealing starts to take a while and a quite a
few drinks are drunk, then the tout realises how desperate they are, and
decides that he wants Edgar’s car Alice. Johnny and Dante look at each other
with dread; Johnny goes over to Edgar and tells him what the tout wants. Edgar Vehemently refuses, telling Johnny he
can have the cash but not his car. Johnny sighs and walks back towards the tout
before having a cunning and not very nice plan.
Johnny tells Dante to wait with the tout and keep buying him
drinks until He and Edgar get back. Johnny walks back to Edgar’s car and Johnny
invites him to come for a drink in the adjoining pub, they keep drinking with
Edgar drinking more and more until he passes out and Johnny is very very drunk. Johnny leaves Edgar passed
out in the pub and takes the car keys out of Alice and gives them to the tout
along with a large portion of money to buy the tickets. Dante and Johnny carry
Edgar out of the pub and start staggering towards the train station while Dante
berates Johnny. Johnny explains that he’s desperate because it’s his soul and
his life at stake and Dante slowly agrees unhappily. Johnny grins slyly and
pulls out his mobile phone and reports that Edgar’s car has been stolen, that
they’re sorry they are already on a train out of Manchester, but will be back
soon to talk to the police. Johnny gives the police Edgar’s mobile number and
they give him a crime number which he notes down. After buying tickets they set
off on the train to Hull. On the train when Edgar wakes up slowly and Johnny
tells him that his car was stolen. Edgar makes some remarks about Manc chavs
and goes back to sleep and they speed off to Hull.
When they get to Hull they immediately book themselves into
a cheap hotel that would keep them and their belongings for the night before
the big morning, and so in their victory they decide to head out to a pub to
celebrate their clear victory. On the way to the pub Dante tries to console
Edgar about the loss of his car, Edgar meanwhile
keeps on giving Johnny some suspicious looks every few seconds, as if he
suspects something. The trio enter a dive of a pub and the bartender gruffly
serves them up some lager in dirty pint pots and some pub snacks, and the group
sit down, talking excitedly about tomorrow’s festival and Johnny seems to
settle down, talking about how it wasn’t so bad and though he nearly lost his
soul to the devil, at least it finally got them out of Stockton to see a proper
gig. Edgar mumbles about it costing him his
soul and he wanders off from Johnny and Dante. Johnny turns to Dante and asks
him what the problem is, and Dante explains that Edgar is upset about losing
his car, but thinks he’ll be fine in the morning once they get there. Dante and
Johnny agree to leave him be for a moment, and after a while of drinking, they
notice Edgar is in the arms of a less than attractive woman, flirting heavily
and soon enough they go to leave, Edgar stops by the table explaining he’s
turning in early for a night and leaves with a large drunken grin.
Later that night, Johnny and Dante return to the room and
knock loudly, there’s no answer but the door slides open, Edgar is laying in a
drunken sleep on his stomach naked. The room is a complete mess and Johnny and
Dante fall asleep on the couch and spare bed respectively. The next morning they awake too late and have
to rush off on the bus to Ozzfest but finally they can see the gates of freedom
and Rock. Inside they can already here bands playing and the cheers of
thousands of people, it is less like a festival than a city devoted to the art
of rock, and they turn to the lines and see they seem to stretch on forever.
Edgar says he recognises one of the women in the queue a bit ahead of them but
says nothing more on the matter until they see the woman ahead pass ahead three
tickets for her and her mates and starts laughing in the trio’s direction,
giving them the V’s and such. Edgar turns pale and asks Dante to check his
trench coat where he was keeping the tickets. Of course they are missing and despair
falls upon Johnny, who lashes out at Edgar for being driven by his penis rather
by the love of rock, and who snaps back, knowing that he sold his car Alice to
the tout in Manchester and storms off before Johnny is allowed to explain.
Despondently Dante and Johnny sit down in the car park and
Johnny gives a quiet sob, knowing that his life is almost up. Dante
uncomfortably pats him on the back trying to comfort him. Johnny complains that
he’s not only lost his soul and his life but also one of his best friends. Just
then Elton John (the real one) pulls up in a flash looking car and but starts
to ask where the VIP parking is, but before he can get out the sentence Johnny
punches him hard until he’s unconscious. Thankfully they are out of the eyes of
security, Johnny mumbles an apology to the real Elton, about thinking he was
the devil. Edgar walks back with a sad smile on his face; he says he just got a
call off the Manchester police about his car. Johnny explains he did sell it,
but reported it stolen as soon as he did anyway for two reasons, to get the car
back and to teach the greedy tout a lesson. Edgar and Johnny give each other a
warm hug, then get embarrassed and turn it into a manly hug. Johnny sighs
again, exasperated that he’s still doomed, when Edgar suggests they force their
way in with Elton John’s car. Johnny and
Dante look at each other, and Dante suggests that jail for three is better than
Hell for one and they load up into the car and drive through the chain link
fence into a Henna stall. The three jump out of the car and run off to be lost
in the crowd, Johnny is exhilarated with the security chasing after him; it
doesn’t matter now because he made it inside, no matter what he would live on
with his soul.
The End.
