The people of Guyana have been celebrating for weeks since it was discovered that their country sits upon an enormous oil reserve (News Dump submission #2)

Since discovering their impending wealth, Guyanese people have been celebrating by building a wall around their border. Despite still being South America’s second poorest nation, the hypothetical wealth that they know is bubbling under their feet has caused a strange upsurge in nationalism and conservatism.

Two months ago Amir, 23,  was working as a receptionist on a beachfront hotel, now he patrols the border. “This is our country and I have to keep out the undesirables. I think the Mormons are trying to take over” he stated, despite being originally from Honduras.

Another surprising trend in the Guyanese is the upsurge in vajazlling as money hungry economic migrants from essex come in search of work. Tonya, 48, originally from Canvey island came to Guyana recently in search of prosperity, despite the fact the actual prosperity hasn’t arrived yet. “A Vajazzle is a piece of art and when you’re an artist, you work with what you’ve got. I used precious stones back in Essex but we’re not at that level yet so we make do with broken glass.”

In unrelated news, President Trump has vowed to bring democracy to Guyana

“We have to save the Guyanese and the Galanese people from this cruel dictatorship” Stated Trump in a four am tweet spree “Too long Guyana has suffered, SAD! and America needs to bring it the sweet taste of freedom” despite the fact that Guyana held free and fair elections overseen by past US president Jimmy Carter in 1992

Arianna Yowlch, a spokesperson from the White House PR department, said “America has been having a bit of an image problem so we’re doing a greatest hits tour. Guyana will be part of our ‘noughties’ tour in which we liberate them we the full might of the US army under command of General Britney Spears.”

The aircraft carrier USS Dick Cheney (sponsored by Starbucks) is currently loading up for a short but eventful freedom tour. When asked about her expectations for the invasion, General Spears growled “They will feel our full mighty liberating force, they’ll love us!”

News Dump have tried contacting the University of Doncaster’s history department for comment but the sounds of wailing broke our dictaphone  

The House of Commons got a surprise yesterday when Extinction Rebellion organised a semi nude protest from the public gallery. (News Dump submission #1)

 MPs never thought they'd get to waste tax payer money to see naked flesh without paying a mistress first 

The Extinction Rebellion protest was designed to highlight the issue of the climate crisis but little did they know that the House of Commons has a strong history of ignoring the bare naked truth 

Statisticians analysed the event and found that the chance of bollocks in the house of Commons increased by only 3% 

Ed Milliband was seen observing the protest in confusion and mild disgust, much the same way that he approaches a bacon sandwich 

With climate change raising the average temperature of the planet, experts say that nakedness in the House of Commons would become commonplace, in which case a global Apocalypse suddenly seems much more welcoming 

The insanity of the British

I've recently come up with a theory.

It is that the British are, as a nation, insane. 

It starts in the 19th century, when the British were so repressed that sexuality and emotion were things that were whispered in the dark. At the start of the 20th century, sea side acts were release valves for the mounting wave. 

But then the two world wars happened, and something in the British psyche snapped. Part of kept on being repressed, the other part went insane. We had spike Milligan and the goons, then monty python, moving onto things like the Young Ones, then the more modern Mighty Boosh. All examples of British comedic eccentricity that hasn't left us since. 

Complete Disclaimer

So if you follow this blog. Which if you follow my twitter account @stueymon or have me on facebook, I would hope  you do. I have recently decided to put most of my university writings onto my blog.

A large majority of it is written in scripts, a lot of it is badly written. If you want to read it. go ahead, No apologies for content or quality from here-on!

Highway to Hull

Johnny Ramtops is bored; working at safe way on the till he is bored out of his mind and barely putting in the effort to move one item across the scanner to the next. He is wearing the typical Safeways uniform, his head is shaved and there are holes in his face where his piercings have been taken out. He is halfway through scanning a customer’s shopping his phone goes off to the first bunch of bars of “Don’t Fear the Reaper” (Blue Oyster Cult) and he picks it up, completely disregarding the customer -in front of him. He answers and starts talking to his best friend Dante Weatherblack-StormRaven, to which Johnny answers the phone saying “Hi Frank” Dante berates him and asks him to use his Goth name instead of his normal name. Johnny apologises to Dante and asks what is going on. Dante asks if Johnny wants to go to the Rock Bottom, the best rock club in their small town of Stockton-upon-the-sea and if he fancies meeting their mutual friend and fuck-up Edgar. Johnny considers this for a moment and after debating the factor he’s been out the previous three nights, he decides to go for it. After all it’s only a Monday!

Dante is lying in his black bedroom on his black bed sheets when he gets off the phone to Johnny. He gets up to put on his black shoes when he trips up over them, hidden by the black carpet and sighs. Muttering about how hard it is to be Goth and his mum wearing a flowery apron asks if he’d like any tea. After accepting the Tea his mum asks if he’s going to his job as a night time shelf stocker at the local Asda, Dante explains that he cant be arsed at the moment and he’s going out with his friends instead, after a brief worried expression from his mum she soon accepts this fate and says she’ll iron his black shirts. Dante Calls up Edgar Hugh Warner who is also at work and after a few brief rings he gets through to Edgar. Dante has trouble speaking to him and the Conversation is interceded with the occasional short sharp squeak, Eventually Edgar goes where he can talk clearer and explains that all the rats he caught his afternoon have to be killed manually because they’ve run out of poison. Dante Groans at this news and simply asks him if he is still up for going to Rock Bottom tonight. Edgar confirms he is still going out and ends the call with a protracted and long screech of RAAAWWWKKK. Dante is left rubbing a finger around his ear.

Later they all meet up at the Bucket and Puke Pub where Edgar and Dante are sat at a table, both with drinks and a copy of Metal Hammer open on the table, When Johnny arrives at the table they start discussing all the year’s gigs. Edgar is excited about Rage against the Machine playing Leeds after being broken up for years, Where as Dante talks excitedly about Download and how Entombed are supporting Cradle of Filth. Johnny Peruses the list and sighs whimsically , and starts talking about how Ozzfest hasn’t been in Britain for years, Flicking over the pages that contain details of the extensive list rock legends being head-lined by Ozzy Ozbourne that played last year. Edgar points out the Club has been open for ten minutes and they quickly down their pints and head out to the club.

Once inside the club, Dante and Edgar head to the dance floor while Johnny goes to the bar for more drink, looking pensive, he defiantly has something on his mind. Johnny walks forcefully to the dance floor and goes to speak to Dante about going to a festival, whereas Dante says that none of them make enough more to drink regularly and go to a festival. Johnny grumbles and walks off in a mood. He walks to the bar and proceeds to get horrendously drunk, and while Dante and Edgar and drunk too, very drunk in fact, but Johnny’s drunkenness even worries them. And then calamity strikes when an obese rocker with a Metallica T-shirt barely covering his stomach mounts the raised stage. Like Moses parting the Red Sea the crowd knows the inevitable next series of events, All except for one, While Johnny is head banging as hard as he can, he looks up just in time too see the fat rocker block out the lights above him and then he is crushed with an almighty crunch. Dante and Edgar are looking on with shock at the spot where their best friend used to be.  The Obese rocker gets up painfully and staggers off to the bar unaware while Johnny lays on the floor, bent and unconscious. Thankfully the bar staff have seen this happen far too often and have called an Ambulance already while Dante and Edgar try to get a response from Johnny.

Johnny is in darkness when he starts to hear the strum of guitar, then the drums and soon the song starts to come together. AC-DC’s “Highway to Hell” is playing while he finds himself sitting in what looks like a very plush waiting room with a reception that has no receptionist. There are pictures on the walls. Johnny stands easily, like he was never hurt at all and looks at the pictures of Freddie Mercury, Jimi Hendrix, Phil Lynott and Ian “Lemmy” Kilmister with a TBC under his name. Johnny gives a shudder when the door to the office opens by itself and Johnny Reluctantly walks through and sat in the chair is Elton John. Johnny asks him what Elton John is doing here, and in fact, what he himself is doing there. Elton explains that he isn’t really Elton John, but the devil, and that he chose the image of Elton John to put Johnny at ease with his current situation.

The Devil explains that Johnny is dead, or nearly dead, and that the Devil will bring him back if he gets to keep his soul, Johnny is reluctant and so the Devil offers him a bet, that if he cant make it to Ozzfest within the year he’ll take his soul and his life, if Johnny does make it to Ozzfest he will keep his soul and he will live a long life. Johnny hesitates and eventually signs the contract and as soon as he does everything for him fades away.

Johnny wakes up in the Ambulance with Dante sat with him next to him humming “Kick Start my Heart” by Mötley Crüe. Dante notices that Johnny is awake and tells him that he’s being taken to the hospital for concussion and that Edgar is behind in his car, then Dante gets a text on his phone and shrugs, saying that Edgar is already there, wondering where they are. Johnny explains his encounter with the devil and how he has to get too Ozzfest within the year. Dante cringes and pulls out his copy of Metal Hammer and shows Johnny the back advert with the last day of Ozzfest is in 1day in Hull! Dante explains he only recently found out himself and since they’ve already sold out he didn’t think it worth mentioning. Johnny groans at this news and faints.

Johnny and Dante end up meeting Edgar just outside accident and emergency and take Johnny to a bed. While he recovers with a glass of orange juice, Johnny and Dante relay to Edgar Johnny’s near-devil experience. After Edgar is initially sceptical he accepts that they have to get tickets to Ozzfest, three of course because none of them want to miss it, even if it is a quest to save Johnny’s soul. Dante suggests looking on Ebay because people always wait to the last minute to sell for the highest Price. Johnny sighs and wonders where they can all get that money when Edgar grumbles that he’d been saving for a high definition television. Johnny grins and thanks him, promising to pay him back.

After leaving the hospital with Johnny, He and Dante get into Edgar’s car, an old Mini Countryman, which he lovingly calls Alice, in the early hours of the morning, all of them absolutely tired beyond belief but with a mission in their mind. They reach Dante’s home and the three of them very slowly walks across Dante’s entirely black room, trying not to trip up on any hidden objects. They log onto Ebay on Dante’s computer and search for Ebay tickets, they find one with some left, but for him to post them in time he would have to send it a week ago.  So they contact the tout and arrange to go and buy the tickets off him personally. In Manchester.

The three of them hop into Edgar’s car, and set off down the motorway in speeds that would be dangerous, but Edgar’s car could just reach enough speed to get onto the motorway as long as there isn’t a wind blowing in the opposite direction and they go to Manchester.

The trio pull up on Oxford road in Manchester, having to arranged to meet the tout in a pub called the Salisbury. Johnny and Dante get out refreshed having slept most of the way; they leave Edgar to catch up on some sleep.  They meet the tout outside the pub about midday and he’s sat at a table without a drink and it soon becomes obvious why, he can barely pass for sixteen, let alone drinking age. Johnny and Dante sit down with the tout, and start talking prices, the tout immediately asks them to get him a cider and Johnny begrudgingly agrees to get him a drink while Dante deals with him. The dealing starts to take a while and a quite a few drinks are drunk, then the tout realises how desperate they are, and decides that he wants Edgar’s car Alice. Johnny and Dante look at each other with dread; Johnny goes over to Edgar and tells him what the tout wants.  Edgar Vehemently refuses, telling Johnny he can have the cash but not his car. Johnny sighs and walks back towards the tout before having a cunning and not very nice plan.

Johnny tells Dante to wait with the tout and keep buying him drinks until He and Edgar get back. Johnny walks back to Edgar’s car and Johnny invites him to come for a drink in the adjoining pub, they keep drinking with Edgar drinking more and more until he passes out and Johnny is very very drunk. Johnny leaves Edgar passed out in the pub and takes the car keys out of Alice and gives them to the tout along with a large portion of money to buy the tickets. Dante and Johnny carry Edgar out of the pub and start staggering towards the train station while Dante berates Johnny. Johnny explains that he’s desperate because it’s his soul and his life at stake and Dante slowly agrees unhappily. Johnny grins slyly and pulls out his mobile phone and reports that Edgar’s car has been stolen, that they’re sorry they are already on a train out of Manchester, but will be back soon to talk to the police. Johnny gives the police Edgar’s mobile number and they give him a crime number which he notes down. After buying tickets they set off on the train to Hull. On the train when Edgar wakes up slowly and Johnny tells him that his car was stolen. Edgar makes some remarks about Manc chavs and goes back to sleep and they speed off to Hull.

When they get to Hull they immediately book themselves into a cheap hotel that would keep them and their belongings for the night before the big morning, and so in their victory they decide to head out to a pub to celebrate their clear victory. On the way to the pub Dante tries to console Edgar about the loss of his car,  Edgar meanwhile keeps on giving Johnny some suspicious looks every few seconds, as if he suspects something. The trio enter a dive of a pub and the bartender gruffly serves them up some lager in dirty pint pots and some pub snacks, and the group sit down, talking excitedly about tomorrow’s festival and Johnny seems to settle down, talking about how it wasn’t so bad and though he nearly lost his soul to the devil, at least it finally got them out of Stockton to see a proper gig. Edgar mumbles about it costing him his soul and he wanders off from Johnny and Dante. Johnny turns to Dante and asks him what the problem is, and Dante explains that Edgar is upset about losing his car, but thinks he’ll be fine in the morning once they get there. Dante and Johnny agree to leave him be for a moment, and after a while of drinking, they notice Edgar is in the arms of a less than attractive woman, flirting heavily and soon enough they go to leave, Edgar stops by the table explaining he’s turning in early for a night and leaves with a large drunken grin.

Later that night, Johnny and Dante return to the room and knock loudly, there’s no answer but the door slides open, Edgar is laying in a drunken sleep on his stomach naked. The room is a complete mess and Johnny and Dante fall asleep on the couch and spare bed respectively.  The next morning they awake too late and have to rush off on the bus to Ozzfest but finally they can see the gates of freedom and Rock. Inside they can already here bands playing and the cheers of thousands of people, it is less like a festival than a city devoted to the art of rock, and they turn to the lines and see they seem to stretch on forever. Edgar says he recognises one of the women in the queue a bit ahead of them but says nothing more on the matter until they see the woman ahead pass ahead three tickets for her and her mates and starts laughing in the trio’s direction, giving them the V’s and such. Edgar turns pale and asks Dante to check his trench coat where he was keeping the tickets. Of course they are missing and despair falls upon Johnny, who lashes out at Edgar for being driven by his penis rather by the love of rock, and who snaps back, knowing that he sold his car Alice to the tout in Manchester and storms off before Johnny is allowed to explain.

Despondently Dante and Johnny sit down in the car park and Johnny gives a quiet sob, knowing that his life is almost up. Dante uncomfortably pats him on the back trying to comfort him. Johnny complains that he’s not only lost his soul and his life but also one of his best friends. Just then Elton John (the real one) pulls up in a flash looking car and but starts to ask where the VIP parking is, but before he can get out the sentence Johnny punches him hard until he’s unconscious. Thankfully they are out of the eyes of security, Johnny mumbles an apology to the real Elton, about thinking he was the devil. Edgar walks back with a sad smile on his face; he says he just got a call off the Manchester police about his car. Johnny explains he did sell it, but reported it stolen as soon as he did anyway for two reasons, to get the car back and to teach the greedy tout a lesson. Edgar and Johnny give each other a warm hug, then get embarrassed and turn it into a manly hug. Johnny sighs again, exasperated that he’s still doomed, when Edgar suggests they force their way in with Elton John’s car.  Johnny and Dante look at each other, and Dante suggests that jail for three is better than Hell for one and they load up into the car and drive through the chain link fence into a Henna stall. The three jump out of the car and run off to be lost in the crowd, Johnny is exhilarated with the security chasing after him; it doesn’t matter now because he made it inside, no matter what he would live on with his soul.

The End.

The Most Wanted Man in the World

My eyes focus on a golden glow of a glass of whiskey that’s far too much ice in it. The bartender didn’t want me falling around drunk which I think is a bit cheap of him considering this is my first drink. I raise my weary head to look at him through a thin veil of smoke, the barely perceptible monsters fading in and out of old cigarette smoke distorts his already porcine face. Beady eyes glaring at me as though he didn’t want customers in his dive of a bar.

My back aches and cracks as I sit up straight. Too much time leaning on the bar trying to gather my thoughts and gather the courage to venture into the open world. While I stretch my back out, I survey the bar to see if anything had changed during my deep introspection. I’m sat at the bar of a dive that can barely call itself a drinking establishment, yet for some reason this dive seems to attract all the kids of the area. As you try to look across the room, hideous monsters and spectral figures emerge from old cigarette remains and are illuminated by halogen lighting, Which doesn’t truly serve to illuminate but only make the shadows of the bar deeper which the occasional clarity of harsh light.

To my right there’s ugly couple who look like their fucking each other with their eyes and they’re not shy about it either, When I turn my back to look behind me there’s a man pale and gaunt as death, with his eyes fierce as hell itself holding a bunch of flowers. Flowers I thought, Why does a man so disgusting as him carry flowers?

This thought alone spurred me to leave as quickly as possible. I stand far too quickly and an alien screech draws every eye in the pub to me like a spotlight of a third world execution. I draw my coat around me and leave, the treacle floor trying to keep me stuck there under the glare of those I hate.

I breach the door and walk up a multitude of steps only to gaze at a dark orange sky dirty with sin and plagued with the blemishes of dark buildings. Darkness that used to be held by sky now only seeks refuge in alleyways, hiding from the all-pervasive tainted light of the city.

I take a left and walk down a barren street of mirrors, claiming that same amount of orange darkness that the sky reluctantly accepts. Bright flashes of light from my right only serve to make the surrounding darkness more perceptible and daunting to me. The countless numbers of people around me seem faceless as I continue home.

Genesis

1 EXT. UNDERNEATH A BRIDGE OVER A CANAL. NIGHT 0300                1

An albino woman’s naked body washes up against the embankment, she is face first in the water, and a woman unseen sees the body and screams.

2 EXT. UNDERNEATH A BRIDGE OVER A CANAL. NIGHT 0430                2

The Albino woman is now covered with a white sheet and the scene is illuminated with blue and white flashing lights, there is a number of police milling around the area in white hazardous material suits picking up all kinds of forensic evidence inside a cordon-off the area with police tape. Outside the area, HARRY BANTER, a short balding man with a moustache is rubbing his chin, looking upset and clearly in deep thought. A friendly voice knocks him out of his deep thoughts.

SUZANNE

Harry! What’s the score here? What was so important that I had to be prised out of bed?

SUZANNE SHIERS is a small dark haired woman who walks with more power and confidence than is expected for her size. She looks young compared to her partner.

HARRY looks to his partner with an ashen face, takes a deep breath.

HARRY

This woman was found an hour and a half ago by a local. There’s no clothes or items in the area, it seems she was dumped here not long ago because she’s recently dead… and I’d say she was dumped not too long before she was found… We’ve got no idea who she is…

SUZANNE sighs irritably, ignorant of her partner’s obvious worry.

SUZANNE

Well get her finger prints to the lab and...

HARRY cuts her off.

HARRY

There are none.

SUZANNE

What?! No one took any yet? Christ do I have to do

HARRY cuts her off again

HARRY

There ARE none… she doesn’t have fingerprints.

SUZANNE looks confused

SUZANNE

What? You mean they were scrubbed off or burnt off. What about her teeth or DNA?

HARRY paces up and down, anxiety getting the grip of him

HARRY

No Suzy…She HAS no fingerprints, her fingers are fine but for… for some damn reason she just doesn’t have any! Her teeth are like children’s milk teeth and her blood sample….Well; I’d hesitate to even call it blood…

SUZANNE mouth drops open slightly, a number of forensics are now looking over at the attention drawn by HARRY’S outburst.

HARRY

Her blood was clear…like water… I’ve never seen anything like this… If she’s human I wouldn’t like to say, there is a blunt trauma against her head so it’s defiantly murder… but whether it’s murder of a person or… or a thing I don’t know.

SUZANNE walks over to the body, ducking up the police tape and pulls the sheet off the body, the pale white eyes stare into nothing.

SUZANNE

My god, what have we found?

SUZANNE takes a deep breath and covers the body again, then turns to all the assembled force.

SUZANNE

Right everyone! I want every flat with a view of this area and the surrounding streets knocked on, if people have seen anything, and I mean anything! If a blind man heard a mouse sneeze I want to know, and I want to know it yesterday!

The assembled police spur into a faster gear of action as someone properly takes charge.

TITLE SEQUENCE.

3 INT. FORENSICS LAB MORNING 0730     3

JOHNATHEN IRAZ stands taller than most of his peers and his white lab coat doesn’t fit him that well while he works on the albino woman’s body, is scraping out the fingernails for dirt and HARRY and SUZANNE walk into the room. The room is brightly lit with halogen bulbs in some areas and others darker, as the two approach the operating table, HARRY is the first to speak up.

HARRY

Found anything yet Johnny?

JOHNATHON

Well, you were right; this certainly is an odd case. (BEAT) The body, despite looking like a twenty-year-old woman, is in pristine condition.

SUZANNE butts in

SUZANNE

What’s wrong with that?

JOHNATHON grins darkly

JOHNATHON

If I were to cut you open right now, we could guess you age by the deterioration in your organs because, as the old cliché goes, once you’re born your start dying.

SUZANNE blushes slightly, her authority in this situation taken away from her. HARRY smiles at this.

SUZANNE

I see, Carry on…

JOHNATHON

All of this woman’s organs look like they’ve never even been used; if I were a little more macabre (BEAT, IN WHICH JOHNATHON SMILES DARKLY FOR A BRIEF MOMENT) I would say that she’d be worth millions on the black market. You don’t get adult organs in this condition.

The three look at each other, mulling this over, then HARRY turns to JOHNATHON

HARRY

So what are you saying Johnny? That we’ve got a dead woman in her twenties who never used her organs?

JOHNATHON

No, I’m saying you’ve got a woman who looks like she’s in her twenties, who was probably never alive. This isn’t the only interesting thing, I pumped her stomach and found…

JOHNATHON turns his back to HARRY and SUZANNE to show them a jar full of clear liquids.

JOHNATHON

Aside from the occasional seepage of canal water into her system, her stomach was mainly full of formaldehyde…

HARRY frowns, taking the jar and looking at it

HARRY

What, like that nutter who puts animals into big glass cases? (BEAT) Is he a suspect now?

SUZANNE

Hirst, he’s called Damien Hirst and if so, he’s taken a bizarre new twist in art.

JOHNATHON

I don’t think he’ll be winning the Turner prize for this any time soon.

4. EXT. ALLEY WAY BETWEEN FLATS, AFTERNOON.                                             4

HARRY and SUZANNE walk down the alley, Approaching a VAGRANT who is sat on the floor next to a uniformed police officer who is standing

SUZANNE

You’ve claimed that you saw someone carrying a large bag in the middle of the night, Correct?

The VAGRANT gives them a toothless grin

VAGRANT

Mighta’ done…

SUZANNE sighs irritably and drops a five pound note into the man’s lap

SUZANNE

That’s all you’ll get if what you don’t tell me something worthwhile

VAGRANT

Well, it were sometime of the night… I dunno what time cuz I was getting pissed, but I saw a small looking bloke… ‘E was ‘avin an ‘ard time lifting this bag as well, but you see some funny things at this time of night… never thought much of it.

The VAGRANT looks at Suzanne expectantly, yet she just looks back. The VAGRANT frowns briefly, the pipes up.

VAGRANT

Oh and it were a Chinese Feller too! I think… can’t be too sure these days.

SUZANNE nods to the man and drops a twenty pound note into his lap, then turns to HARRY

SUZANNE

Now we have something to work too, put out a search in the local area for men of East Asian descent, it’s not much, but it’s something to start on.