Encolyphatic Badger Disease and It’s relative spread amongst the affluent classes of Warrington (AKA My person Top ten television shows of the moment)

Ok so this afternoon I decided that I definitely wanted to write... something, upon opening my word processor I realised that merely wanting to write something is a jolly good idea but a great idea when you actually have something to write about. So I racked my brain, what did I want to write about? I had a vague idea about doing some low fantasy (Fantasy with a looser construct than Lord of the Rings and it’s ilk), or perhaps some horror but really nothing was coming to me.

Then it hit me, On my often twitter rambles (@Stueymon)I like to talk about my favourite television series, occasional witty insights or just genuine moments of promotion for a television series I enjoy. So that is what I plan to do, what follows from here on is a descending order of television series I genuinely enjoy.  While making this list I decided that I would only include television series that are either broadcasting now or awaiting a new series. Nothing from the past of cancelled will make it into this top ten, because the section proclaiming my love of firef... my love of a certain space-western series would turn into a university essay and limiting my choice of series to the current makes these shows relatively easy to find.

10 Dexter (2006)                                                                              

Dexter features Michael C. Hall as the titular Dexter, the Miami Dade police blood splatter expert who helps his colleagues find murderers. Of course it sounds like a standard procedural cop show so what makes this one different? Dexter himself is a serial killer who chooses his targets using the police database to find criminals who have escaped capture, knowing how the police find and track killers has helped him keep out of the law but also puts him on a knife edge of being caught himself. I actually read the books after seeing the first series because I was so engrossed with what was happening that I felt I needed to know what was going to happen next but I’m not sure I did the right thing. The television series is almost better than the books and events that shock you have a more startling effect on screen than they do in the book. If you feel you can resist spoiling the Tv series for yourself I’d recommend sticking to that but I won’t begrudge you for reading the books out of that need to know.

The premise does at first and last look sound ridiculous but it’s played with splashing of dark humour, good script writing and tense situations that make it wonderfully enjoyable. The series suffered a dip in the second and third seasons but really picked up since and is definitely worth watching if you enjoy dark humour in a cop show that turns the premise on it’s head. The 7^th season of Dexter starts in September 2012

9 Futurama (1999)

If you haven’t heard of Futurama by know then shame on you for missing one of the funniest cartoons available to mankind. I’m assuming everyone has heard of Futurama so I’ll only provide a brief summary. Futurama is mainly the story of Fry, a pizza delivery boy who is trapped on New Year’s Eve in a cryogenic box to the year 3000. The premise is not really what makes the series great but it’s use of comedy. Futurama is the creation of Matt Groening who also penned The Simpsons, yet unlike it’s present-day predecessor Futurama is completely unconcerned with the moral tale that was arbitrarily added to The Simpsons to provide family values. Futurama is a show that has to be keenly watched to get all the jokes, including sight gags and puns used on signs, to vague cultural commentary placed an eon into the future, neatly avoiding controversy.

8 Burn Notice (2007)

Burn Notice for me is what I affectionately call a “Fluff” program. It’s a light action-drama featuring espionage, spies and general nefarious goings on, but is never going to leave you with too much of an emotional impact.

Michael Weston is a spy who is believed to have been acting illegally and is therefore “burned”, a term used for when a spy is left in a country with no identity, money or assets. Fortunately for Michael he is left in Miami where he meets up with an ex-girlfriend, a former colleague and his mother. They work to help people who are in tough situations using their spy-skills to save the day. I admit it’s formulaic but it’s also a lot of fun, like a modern take on the A-team that’s much cooler. If that’s not enough to sell you on it, it also features the iconic Bruce Campell from the Evil dead films, and he’s always cool.

7 Falling Skies (2011)

Falling Skies is sci-fi series produced by Steven Spielburg concerning the fight for survival after an intense alien invasion decimates the Earth’s population and enslaves the majority of the children. I’ll admit I’m somewhat biased towards this series because I’m easily sold on alien invasions and pitched battles concerning aliens but I’m also the first to admit it’s had it’s ups and downs. Some episodes of the first series are dull but it’s definitely worth staying through because.... well, aliens!

This science fiction epic is truly the first of it’s kind to be attempted in well over a decade since the original series of V from the 80s and the visual effects used paint a bleak picture of humanity on the edge of extinction but fighting for their freedom.

6 The Walking Dead (2010)

The Walking Dead is true first for the horror genre in television and while now it seems remarkably stupid that no one had done it before, The Walking Dead is the first television show about an ongoing zombie apocalypse. For the sadly uninitiated, The Walking Dead was originally a comic written by Robert Kirkman, turned into a Tv series by acclaimed director Frank Darabont and predominantly stars Andrew Lincoln as Rick Grimes, a man who wakes up from a coma to find his world has been destroyed by a zombie apocalypse. The first series is well produced, acted and filmed so the quality is top-notch, but this is not for the squeamish, blood, guts and other bits of bodies often find themselves being reduced to lunch for the hungry masses. The second series suffers from an unsure direction but soon heats up to a startling finale. Gripping and gruesome stuff.

5 Episodes (2011)

Beverly and Sean Lincoln are successful British writers who produced a typically British comedy (Think History Boys) that becomes a huge success. Of course this leads to American television companies hearing about it and bringing the Lincolns over to America to make an American adaptation. Of course this doesn’t go as predicted and they are both left writing for a gaudy American sitcom which is almost completely unrelated to their original comedy and stars Matt Le Blanc.

This is a typical fish-out-of-water and culture clash comedy but it’s expertly written and Matt LeBlanc plays a narcissistic dickhead version of himself while Stephan Mangan and Tamsin Greig play the British couple adapting to Hollywood lifestyle and all are played brilliantly. Forget all nightmarish memories of ”Joey” and watch this, LeBlanc has found his footing here and it’s mocking himself mercilessly.

4 Fringe (2008)

Fringe is the second JJ Abrams television project in this list and consists of rogue science and the FBI. If you’re thinking this sounds similar to The X-files, then you’re not far off but Fringe stays firmly rooted in the vaguely plausible science room and never touches the supernatural or the mystical with a barge pole. Each episode involves the FBI’s Fringe division tracking down miscarriages of science that are usually gruesome and they work with an ex-institutionalised scientist and his son who work together to stop or counteract the “mad science” goings on involved.

Again, top-notch production values and the series has always remained interesting, with a meta-arch storyline involving inter-dimensional war that becomes more complex as the story progresses. Sadly this show is on the cancellation line so it’s looking like this will be the last series of Fringe we get to see, I recommend it, if you enjoy procedural shows this may tickle of fancy as it plays similar to that but the crimes themselves veer into the very strange and obviously tickles my fancy.

3 Supernatural (2005)

Supernatural features the progressing story of two brothers who are “Hunters”, people who find and kill supernatural beings to save humanity. There is a typical “Monster of the Week” story for each episode, finding and killing the thingies that live in the dark. Initially I didn’t like this series but it really grew on me after a short while, and what sold me was the relationship between the two brothers, played respectively by Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki who have a wonderful on screen chemistry and really do act like relations, constantly bickering and insulting each other at one moment and loving each other the next.

The series recently finished it’s 7 series and has been renewed for an 8^th so the back story to deal with now is quite heavy but if you’ve got nothing else to watch at the present moment (and if you look at television most of the time, that’s always) then it’s worth putting in the time to watch the older series. As a bonus, almost each episode has a classic rock track in it somewhere!

2 Person of Interest (2011)

Person of Interest is one of my new favourite television shows and the second on this list created by JJ Abrams. Jim Caviezel (Last Temptation of Christ) and Michael Emerson (Lost) play John Reese and Harold Finch respectively. Reese is an ex spy who has special training and Finch is a billionaire who has access to a Machine that can predict violent events and deaths but the only notice they receive is a social security number. 

This means the person could be perpetrating the crime or the victim of it, this leads to an episodic case of the week where they have to deal with working out what is going to happen and who it is going to happen too. This series feels like a cross between 24 and the film Enemy of the State because you are constantly aware that everyone is being monitored by this Machine. There are shady mob dealings, criminal low lifes and even shadier government dealings, giving the series an overall feeling of paranoia and conspiracy that is wonderfully blended with Caviezel dealing out the action like Chuck Norris in a particularly snappy suit

I use a capital when referencing the Machine because it really does feel like a character, you never seen it communicating directly but it can always be seen identifying characters and extras, making judgements and even deciding if it needs to defend itself. This is where the series takes a tentative step into science fiction, with a daunting question hanging over the Machine itself, is it just a clever program, or is it actually intelligent?

1 Game of Thrones (2011)

If you know me, or follow my twitter or facebook account, you should have seen this coming. I think Game of Thrones is simply the best thing on television since John Logie Baird invented it. If you don’t know what Game of Thrones is about, which rock have you been living under? Oh well, it’s about the Kingdom of Westeros and the constant struggle to rule it. There are too many characters to name here, literally the cast is astonishing but you’ll won’t forget who anyone is because each character is well rounded and stands out. There are full blown battles going on in suits of armour, mythical creatures, magic and ice zombies, ice zombies.

The series was originally written by George R.R. Martin and is on it’s 6^th book now, with more to come so it looks like the HBO series has a long way to go before it’ll be finished and you’ll never want it to finish.

If you’re not watching Game of Thrones you’re missing out on some of the best television drama ever, If I had to sum it up in a sentence, I would say fuck off, you simplistic prick, but if at gun point, I would say Game of Thrones is what you would get if you mixed The Wire with Lord of the Rings.

Honourable Mentions

Breaking Bad and True Blood

These two dramas didn’t make it into my top ten and while they may even be technically better than some of the other series in my top ten, I don’t feel I enjoy them as much personally and while both are excellent, I felt they both consisted almost entirely of reprehensible characters who had not charm or wit to redeem them

God of War The end game.

During the E3 expo of 2012 there was the usual miasma of sequels and prequels and rehashes of old games and the occasional new game. Not unusual for E3 there was a moment of faint controversy when the latest in the God of War series of games unveiled a new enemy that had the design of a large muscular creature that had the head of an elephant ( See this youtube clip for when the fella appears at 5:51 http://youtu.be/j1QOCbAoRts )

Now for those not versed in the games or world religions, the reason why this has caused some mild controversy is because that in the games you play as a historical murderer with incredible anger management issues and a take on atheism that can be certainly called “Pro-active” with him actively trying to kill the pantheon of Greek gods in Olympus.

This new enemy though has raised some theological issues in the fact that Kratos is now killing an elephant headed bad guy, not un-reminiscent of Ganesh of the Hindu religion. Gamers in defence of the series believe that the characters are not similar enough to carry any worry and are simply a new enemy with an interesting look. But the God of War series has always had a loose interpretation of the looks of the Olympian deities so why should this be different for Hindu characters?

If you’re wondering why one pantheon of multi-deity religions is fine for murdering in a game and those in Hinduism isn’t then, you’re a fucking moron. Hinduism is very much alive and thriving, where as the temples of Greek gods have been reduced to places where fat tourists bimble about looking at before buying something in the gift shop to try and prop up Greece’s failing economy.

Enough back-story to this article, here’s my personal take on this. God of War 3 ended with the destruction of the Greek Gods, but I don’t think the story ends there, I think it is just the beginning!

Kratos is the video game equivalent of militant atheism, actively tracking down and killing all the gods, including the wishy washy pagan ones, the Buddhist deities (this is would be a training level really, as they’d just accept their fate and let it happen) to killing a vague fuzzy image of Mohammed and Allah, all the way up to a one on one fight with Jesus wielding a massive cross as a hammer.

The end battle is with a mysterious figure that is simply described as “that odd feeling of being watch” until atheism rules the world and Kratos kills himself to avoid being worshipped and yells “Really, this is actually pointless!” before chopping his own head off.

David Jaffe has called it, Militant atheism has it’s battle cry and it’s call from the dark void of the abyss! Rise up atheist soldiers! Die for nothing! You might as well, it’s going to happen anyway!

Hell on Tuesdays

Little bit of a Preamble! This is a short (max 500 words) story I've written for the Chorlton Arts Festival, but since I crave attention I thought I'd put it up here too and risk being disqualified (I don't see why I would but since the world is a cruel and horrible place this will probably get me killed by sock cancer.)

Hell on Tuesdays

By Stuart Robinson

Matt was sat in his dull grey office cubicle. Staring at the blinking dot of an opened word processor document with no word processing done. His mind is blank like the screen in front of him. Matt’s head was resting upon his palm, his elbow on his desk and his other hand nursing a cold cup of milky chemical-tasting coffee.

Matt was wondering how long he’d been at work, he felt like it had been hours since he had started that morning. Matt barely moved a muscle in his body, bleary red eyes turned and focused on an ancient piece of utilitarian plastic called a clock. It read five minutes past nine. Matt let out a baleful groan and immediately realised his mistake.

The noise had attracted the attention of his boss. It felt like a cold and heavy stone had materialised into his stomach, then he heard the words he was dreading.

“Matthew I’m going to need you to stay till seven tonight, alright? Thanks pal”

*

Matt woke with a jolt, the searing red hot bed of needles ripping into his flesh as his body moved instinctively and the insects that lived under him fed on his fresh dripping blood.
“Oh thank God it was just a dream!” thought Matt and he settled back into his bed, the incredible pain was just a comforting reminder that he was dead and never had to work another damn day.
Matt looked at the thin layer of flayed skin that served at the entrance to his cell and thought the colour of the hellfire outside suggested it must be morning. Suddenly the skin ripped open and in stomped an enormous hulking beast, a patchwork of scales, skin and fur that covered rippling muscle and it roared at Matt, the breath smelling of rot, sulphur and sin.

 “Good morning Nigel” Said Matt

“Good morning Matt” said Nigel and buried a heavy mace into Matt’s intestines “You’ll be delighted to know today is Anal bestial infection day!”

“Lucky me!” Said Matt enthusiastically

Nigel helped Matt off the bed of nails and escorted him out into the corridors of hell and they past a cell of a man who was screaming in pain, crying and shouting for forgiveness from god.
Matt and Nigel shared a knowing look and chuckled, “He new here then?” asked Matt

“Not even a century!” replied Nigel and they both laughed.

On their walk to the specialised torture chambers, waving at other experienced members of hell, Matt said “I had the most horrible dream last night, I was back at my old job, it was terrible, and I was so bored”

“Yeah? Ah well, never mind, you’re here now!” Nigel gave Matt and gentle push into the torture room and pulled over a co-worker of hell “Frank... I’ve got an idea for a new method of torture... have we tried boredom?”

To Carnivores

I love being a meat eater, I have nothing against vegetarians but personally I crave meat. Live your life as you want to, but don’t tell me how to live mine. But one thing gets on my nerves about fellow carnivores, it is the reluctance to eat anything that is “cute”. IE eating a cow is fine, but eating a dog or a cat is horrendous. Why? Because they're pets, not food. Fine! Lets put some lipstick on that cow and now it's inedible!

Fact is, most carnivores are pussies. You cannot eat meat and be a wimp about it. I, as a carnivore, will gladly kill and dismember my own choice of meat, If you cannot do that, stop eating meat. It's that simple. This is not a matter of morality, more a matter of moral fortitude. If you choose to be a meat eater, then have the backbone to support it. Understand you are a killer and eat animals, do not shy away from it, embrace it and enjoy it.

Now understand that there is a difference between eating every animal, be it cute or ugly, and eating your own pets. I have a cat and I would never eat her, but I would happily eat A cat. The difference is between Mine and A. I would not eat my cat because I have an emotional connection to her, but a cat raised to be eaten is fine to me..

This is the choice you make as a person who eats animals. Understand you are a killer or reject it and turn to vegetarianism.

The ongoing email chat between me and Rebecca fleming.

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Suggest-a-Topic-O-Matic! 2! Economic Migration!

I’m glad someone finally mentioned this because I can bring about my expertise to the difficult challenge of economic migration! Which of course I am a double doctorate PHD.
When we consider economic migration (or EM as I shall refer to it when I get bored of typing that repeatedly) we have to ask ourselves a set of questions to help expand our understanding of the complex nuances. What is EM? What Causes EM? And how does EM affect us? These are just a few of the vast number of things we must consider when we simply ask Economic migration? Eh?
What is Economic migration? It’s when financial systems and the support they offer to the societies they inhabit move on to more lucrative subjects in neighbouring regions to feed off. The actual migration might be so small scale that a large enough subject, such as a country or city wouldn’t even notice, but smaller towns would soon wither away to be weak enough to be attacked by raiders, probably from former towns that too were once part of the Economic being’s life cycle.
What Causes Economic migration? Well that is up for debate, some believe that economic migration is caused by some sort of hive mind that belongs to the bank families, causing that bank colony to push their hive (or building society) into a river to float away into a more sustainable location, others believe that banks are comprised of individuals that all work on some sort of nomadic lifestyle, taking their vaults and tills into their traditional range rovers and set off as one tribe. I personally subscribe to the latter theory because it makes more sense, and because the former theory suggests that banking staff are not humans at all and that there must be a banking staff queen, giving birth to thousands of accountants a month.
No, that horrible image to dark to contemplate, and so economic migration is caused by the nomadic lifestyle that is traditional within banking families. Of course when I mention banking families, your natural assumption is to think I’m talking of the BIG banking families, such as the Rothschild’s, but banking staff are all banking families, it is not a career but a lifestyle choice of the tribe.
Banking being the nature it is, it soon causes a land to become toxic with debt and sub-prime mortgage lions start to invade the area, taking away young accounts playing with their first abacus.
So when an area becomes dangerous to the banking families, they pitch up their banks and move on to settle in an area full of rich fertile yuppies to be milked.
What does economic migration do to us?
That really depends on the area you live in. Areas that are becoming wild with Mortgage lions are soon to lose their banks due to economic migration, but this is a positive because the mortgage lions and other diseases that follow the banking families (such as in-the-red fever) soon leave the area, leaving the indigenous populace to reclaim the land, after months or even years, the land is fertile again and will once again become attractive to the nomadic banks that will once again find the area and settle down for the short period of time.
If your area is already filled with banks then everything will seem normal to the indigenous populace, and quite soon they become to wonder how they got on without banks, with being able to access their money supplies through the bank magic of chypeenpin, everyday life becomes easier. This ease of life is good at first and continues to promote economic growth but soon the indigenous populace becomes too lazy to work but still want money, so the nomadic banks offer their help, but then they want more money than they lent you, and this is due to their second and darker form of black bank magic called eyuntar ‘n’ rest and soon enough you have mortgage lions moving in.
The initial period of Economic migration is a joyous one, causing almost utopian levels of bliss in the areas they inhabit, but it soon becomes apparent that his symbiosis of banks and culture is actually a parasitic relationship. This is not the banks fault, it is their culture and their way of life and we should not begrudge them because it is all they know.
Unless it’s true that banks are actually a hive species, lead by evil queens pumping out larvae accounts designed to suck upon our very life force, in which case I would suggest burning down every bank hive you see! And just to be safe, use the flame thrower on any one in a suit too.

Ok I honestly don’t know anything about economic migration. You caught me, well done! But seriously, who does? I even Googled it and there was no Wikipedia! If Wikipedia doesn't know, then it doesn't exist!

Ok that’s all for today! Anyone else fancy picking a topic for the next time I feel like doing this? Please place all suggestions for the next topic into the comments box below. And also places all comments onto the comments box below.

My first go at Suggest-A-Topic-O-matic! (EVERYTHING needs an O-matic): Cloning! Cloning! Cloning! Cloning! Clon.. Ok I’ll stop

Well here we go! I had this idea (Read, stolen blatantly from Charlie Brooker) to have ideas for topics randomly sent to me by people. Unfortunately I don't have masses of fans, followers or stalkers. Just you lot! Now I'm not any authority on anything, and most of what I say will usually be whatever is amusing to me. Of course there may be a few philosophical considerations and maybe some controversy but anyway, let's give this a go

Al quietly whispered into my ear "CLONING!!!" so that's a good as place as any to start!
Cloning (its official now, it’s underlined)
Ok... umh... Cloning? It’s just like photocopying for people right? That we haven’t got quite right and all the ink comes out smudged, except what’s smudged is your genes and your face comes out all melty. The first animal cloned was a sheep called dolly, which seems a bit redundant really. Sheep look alike already; surely they could have just grabbed the most similar looking sheep and plonked it next to the original dolly.
The real controversy with cloning is the horrible human cloning and its juicy bloody ethical issues. If I have a clone, is it me? Or is it a different person who looks like me? Can you clone a soul? These are all pertinent issues if it weren’t for the fact that TWINS ALREADY EXIST.
Nature makes clones already, they have different personalities due to their upbringing, just because one twin stabs a guy in the eye with a pie (sorry, was on rhyming binge) doesn’t mean that the other twin is instantly compelled too. I think the main complaint about cloning isn’t really from the ethics at all; it’s from Science-Fiction. People assume it will be like photocopying (like some retard said above) when in reality a clone would mature at the same rate a normally born human would and their personality would be develop due to all the social lessons and pressures that we grow up with, not including the social stigma that would involve being a clone (if you were one), plus I can’t really see clones being bullied without having their older model back them up or hundreds of their likenesses on their side.
Would clones be made in batches and used for cheap labour? Another sci-fi staple, you have thousands look-a-likes under the command of some dullard, but in reality, the uneducated masses do just as good as job and pay for themselves. If mass-production of people became a reality then I could see it happening, but... why? Why bother spending all that money when nature has given of plenty of idiots to do the job already.
Could you use clones for replacement bits like in “The Island”? Course you fucking could! And this would also remove the need for AA for any other chemical addiction groups because, well fuck it, get 8 new livers designed for your own body lined up and you could paint the town red in your own cloned blood. In fact why even bother transplanting new organs into an old body? Take your old brain out and attach it to your new 20 year old body and start hell raising again. In the Island the premise was that intelligent humans were being used as meat sacks for living organs to be harvested. But if we have the technology to clone perfect humans, accelerate the growth without repercussion, why can’t we just have the bits, or the new body ready without the ethically painful “life” thing in the way?
Can you clone the Soul? Bit of a religious question this one really, that matters on your perspective but I’ve already touched on this so why not? I don’t plan on getting into any massive religious debate on this one because that way leads to madness, slippers and standing on street corners yelling at pigeons about your big shoe.
Assuming I’m me looking at one person and their clone, I wouldn’t be able to see the soul, assuming it exists, so I’d have to guess of personality and other social traits to tell if it was my friend of the clone of my friend. It’s the nature vs. nurture debate and I very much side on the side of nurture, your past experiences and upbringing shapes you, not your genetic code. It’s possible some traits could be pasted down, like too much arse-scratching, but that would be due to a genetic fault with an itchy anus rather than an actual personality trait.

Whoo! That’s about all I can think of for now, I depending on my mood I may or may not come back to this. Sorry if this isn’t as funny as you may have expected and a bit more rambly, but that was the point of this exercise and I intend to continue with it!
Anyone got another idea for the next topic?