Complete Disclaimer

So if you follow this blog. Which if you follow my twitter account @stueymon or have me on facebook, I would hope  you do. I have recently decided to put most of my university writings onto my blog.

A large majority of it is written in scripts, a lot of it is badly written. If you want to read it. go ahead, No apologies for content or quality from here-on!

Highway to Hull

Johnny Ramtops is bored; working at safe way on the till he is bored out of his mind and barely putting in the effort to move one item across the scanner to the next. He is wearing the typical Safeways uniform, his head is shaved and there are holes in his face where his piercings have been taken out. He is halfway through scanning a customer’s shopping his phone goes off to the first bunch of bars of “Don’t Fear the Reaper” (Blue Oyster Cult) and he picks it up, completely disregarding the customer -in front of him. He answers and starts talking to his best friend Dante Weatherblack-StormRaven, to which Johnny answers the phone saying “Hi Frank” Dante berates him and asks him to use his Goth name instead of his normal name. Johnny apologises to Dante and asks what is going on. Dante asks if Johnny wants to go to the Rock Bottom, the best rock club in their small town of Stockton-upon-the-sea and if he fancies meeting their mutual friend and fuck-up Edgar. Johnny considers this for a moment and after debating the factor he’s been out the previous three nights, he decides to go for it. After all it’s only a Monday!

Dante is lying in his black bedroom on his black bed sheets when he gets off the phone to Johnny. He gets up to put on his black shoes when he trips up over them, hidden by the black carpet and sighs. Muttering about how hard it is to be Goth and his mum wearing a flowery apron asks if he’d like any tea. After accepting the Tea his mum asks if he’s going to his job as a night time shelf stocker at the local Asda, Dante explains that he cant be arsed at the moment and he’s going out with his friends instead, after a brief worried expression from his mum she soon accepts this fate and says she’ll iron his black shirts. Dante Calls up Edgar Hugh Warner who is also at work and after a few brief rings he gets through to Edgar. Dante has trouble speaking to him and the Conversation is interceded with the occasional short sharp squeak, Eventually Edgar goes where he can talk clearer and explains that all the rats he caught his afternoon have to be killed manually because they’ve run out of poison. Dante Groans at this news and simply asks him if he is still up for going to Rock Bottom tonight. Edgar confirms he is still going out and ends the call with a protracted and long screech of RAAAWWWKKK. Dante is left rubbing a finger around his ear.

Later they all meet up at the Bucket and Puke Pub where Edgar and Dante are sat at a table, both with drinks and a copy of Metal Hammer open on the table, When Johnny arrives at the table they start discussing all the year’s gigs. Edgar is excited about Rage against the Machine playing Leeds after being broken up for years, Where as Dante talks excitedly about Download and how Entombed are supporting Cradle of Filth. Johnny Peruses the list and sighs whimsically , and starts talking about how Ozzfest hasn’t been in Britain for years, Flicking over the pages that contain details of the extensive list rock legends being head-lined by Ozzy Ozbourne that played last year. Edgar points out the Club has been open for ten minutes and they quickly down their pints and head out to the club.

Once inside the club, Dante and Edgar head to the dance floor while Johnny goes to the bar for more drink, looking pensive, he defiantly has something on his mind. Johnny walks forcefully to the dance floor and goes to speak to Dante about going to a festival, whereas Dante says that none of them make enough more to drink regularly and go to a festival. Johnny grumbles and walks off in a mood. He walks to the bar and proceeds to get horrendously drunk, and while Dante and Edgar and drunk too, very drunk in fact, but Johnny’s drunkenness even worries them. And then calamity strikes when an obese rocker with a Metallica T-shirt barely covering his stomach mounts the raised stage. Like Moses parting the Red Sea the crowd knows the inevitable next series of events, All except for one, While Johnny is head banging as hard as he can, he looks up just in time too see the fat rocker block out the lights above him and then he is crushed with an almighty crunch. Dante and Edgar are looking on with shock at the spot where their best friend used to be.  The Obese rocker gets up painfully and staggers off to the bar unaware while Johnny lays on the floor, bent and unconscious. Thankfully the bar staff have seen this happen far too often and have called an Ambulance already while Dante and Edgar try to get a response from Johnny.

Johnny is in darkness when he starts to hear the strum of guitar, then the drums and soon the song starts to come together. AC-DC’s “Highway to Hell” is playing while he finds himself sitting in what looks like a very plush waiting room with a reception that has no receptionist. There are pictures on the walls. Johnny stands easily, like he was never hurt at all and looks at the pictures of Freddie Mercury, Jimi Hendrix, Phil Lynott and Ian “Lemmy” Kilmister with a TBC under his name. Johnny gives a shudder when the door to the office opens by itself and Johnny Reluctantly walks through and sat in the chair is Elton John. Johnny asks him what Elton John is doing here, and in fact, what he himself is doing there. Elton explains that he isn’t really Elton John, but the devil, and that he chose the image of Elton John to put Johnny at ease with his current situation.

The Devil explains that Johnny is dead, or nearly dead, and that the Devil will bring him back if he gets to keep his soul, Johnny is reluctant and so the Devil offers him a bet, that if he cant make it to Ozzfest within the year he’ll take his soul and his life, if Johnny does make it to Ozzfest he will keep his soul and he will live a long life. Johnny hesitates and eventually signs the contract and as soon as he does everything for him fades away.

Johnny wakes up in the Ambulance with Dante sat with him next to him humming “Kick Start my Heart” by Mötley Crüe. Dante notices that Johnny is awake and tells him that he’s being taken to the hospital for concussion and that Edgar is behind in his car, then Dante gets a text on his phone and shrugs, saying that Edgar is already there, wondering where they are. Johnny explains his encounter with the devil and how he has to get too Ozzfest within the year. Dante cringes and pulls out his copy of Metal Hammer and shows Johnny the back advert with the last day of Ozzfest is in 1day in Hull! Dante explains he only recently found out himself and since they’ve already sold out he didn’t think it worth mentioning. Johnny groans at this news and faints.

Johnny and Dante end up meeting Edgar just outside accident and emergency and take Johnny to a bed. While he recovers with a glass of orange juice, Johnny and Dante relay to Edgar Johnny’s near-devil experience. After Edgar is initially sceptical he accepts that they have to get tickets to Ozzfest, three of course because none of them want to miss it, even if it is a quest to save Johnny’s soul. Dante suggests looking on Ebay because people always wait to the last minute to sell for the highest Price. Johnny sighs and wonders where they can all get that money when Edgar grumbles that he’d been saving for a high definition television. Johnny grins and thanks him, promising to pay him back.

After leaving the hospital with Johnny, He and Dante get into Edgar’s car, an old Mini Countryman, which he lovingly calls Alice, in the early hours of the morning, all of them absolutely tired beyond belief but with a mission in their mind. They reach Dante’s home and the three of them very slowly walks across Dante’s entirely black room, trying not to trip up on any hidden objects. They log onto Ebay on Dante’s computer and search for Ebay tickets, they find one with some left, but for him to post them in time he would have to send it a week ago.  So they contact the tout and arrange to go and buy the tickets off him personally. In Manchester.

The three of them hop into Edgar’s car, and set off down the motorway in speeds that would be dangerous, but Edgar’s car could just reach enough speed to get onto the motorway as long as there isn’t a wind blowing in the opposite direction and they go to Manchester.

The trio pull up on Oxford road in Manchester, having to arranged to meet the tout in a pub called the Salisbury. Johnny and Dante get out refreshed having slept most of the way; they leave Edgar to catch up on some sleep.  They meet the tout outside the pub about midday and he’s sat at a table without a drink and it soon becomes obvious why, he can barely pass for sixteen, let alone drinking age. Johnny and Dante sit down with the tout, and start talking prices, the tout immediately asks them to get him a cider and Johnny begrudgingly agrees to get him a drink while Dante deals with him. The dealing starts to take a while and a quite a few drinks are drunk, then the tout realises how desperate they are, and decides that he wants Edgar’s car Alice. Johnny and Dante look at each other with dread; Johnny goes over to Edgar and tells him what the tout wants.  Edgar Vehemently refuses, telling Johnny he can have the cash but not his car. Johnny sighs and walks back towards the tout before having a cunning and not very nice plan.

Johnny tells Dante to wait with the tout and keep buying him drinks until He and Edgar get back. Johnny walks back to Edgar’s car and Johnny invites him to come for a drink in the adjoining pub, they keep drinking with Edgar drinking more and more until he passes out and Johnny is very very drunk. Johnny leaves Edgar passed out in the pub and takes the car keys out of Alice and gives them to the tout along with a large portion of money to buy the tickets. Dante and Johnny carry Edgar out of the pub and start staggering towards the train station while Dante berates Johnny. Johnny explains that he’s desperate because it’s his soul and his life at stake and Dante slowly agrees unhappily. Johnny grins slyly and pulls out his mobile phone and reports that Edgar’s car has been stolen, that they’re sorry they are already on a train out of Manchester, but will be back soon to talk to the police. Johnny gives the police Edgar’s mobile number and they give him a crime number which he notes down. After buying tickets they set off on the train to Hull. On the train when Edgar wakes up slowly and Johnny tells him that his car was stolen. Edgar makes some remarks about Manc chavs and goes back to sleep and they speed off to Hull.

When they get to Hull they immediately book themselves into a cheap hotel that would keep them and their belongings for the night before the big morning, and so in their victory they decide to head out to a pub to celebrate their clear victory. On the way to the pub Dante tries to console Edgar about the loss of his car,  Edgar meanwhile keeps on giving Johnny some suspicious looks every few seconds, as if he suspects something. The trio enter a dive of a pub and the bartender gruffly serves them up some lager in dirty pint pots and some pub snacks, and the group sit down, talking excitedly about tomorrow’s festival and Johnny seems to settle down, talking about how it wasn’t so bad and though he nearly lost his soul to the devil, at least it finally got them out of Stockton to see a proper gig. Edgar mumbles about it costing him his soul and he wanders off from Johnny and Dante. Johnny turns to Dante and asks him what the problem is, and Dante explains that Edgar is upset about losing his car, but thinks he’ll be fine in the morning once they get there. Dante and Johnny agree to leave him be for a moment, and after a while of drinking, they notice Edgar is in the arms of a less than attractive woman, flirting heavily and soon enough they go to leave, Edgar stops by the table explaining he’s turning in early for a night and leaves with a large drunken grin.

Later that night, Johnny and Dante return to the room and knock loudly, there’s no answer but the door slides open, Edgar is laying in a drunken sleep on his stomach naked. The room is a complete mess and Johnny and Dante fall asleep on the couch and spare bed respectively.  The next morning they awake too late and have to rush off on the bus to Ozzfest but finally they can see the gates of freedom and Rock. Inside they can already here bands playing and the cheers of thousands of people, it is less like a festival than a city devoted to the art of rock, and they turn to the lines and see they seem to stretch on forever. Edgar says he recognises one of the women in the queue a bit ahead of them but says nothing more on the matter until they see the woman ahead pass ahead three tickets for her and her mates and starts laughing in the trio’s direction, giving them the V’s and such. Edgar turns pale and asks Dante to check his trench coat where he was keeping the tickets. Of course they are missing and despair falls upon Johnny, who lashes out at Edgar for being driven by his penis rather by the love of rock, and who snaps back, knowing that he sold his car Alice to the tout in Manchester and storms off before Johnny is allowed to explain.

Despondently Dante and Johnny sit down in the car park and Johnny gives a quiet sob, knowing that his life is almost up. Dante uncomfortably pats him on the back trying to comfort him. Johnny complains that he’s not only lost his soul and his life but also one of his best friends. Just then Elton John (the real one) pulls up in a flash looking car and but starts to ask where the VIP parking is, but before he can get out the sentence Johnny punches him hard until he’s unconscious. Thankfully they are out of the eyes of security, Johnny mumbles an apology to the real Elton, about thinking he was the devil. Edgar walks back with a sad smile on his face; he says he just got a call off the Manchester police about his car. Johnny explains he did sell it, but reported it stolen as soon as he did anyway for two reasons, to get the car back and to teach the greedy tout a lesson. Edgar and Johnny give each other a warm hug, then get embarrassed and turn it into a manly hug. Johnny sighs again, exasperated that he’s still doomed, when Edgar suggests they force their way in with Elton John’s car.  Johnny and Dante look at each other, and Dante suggests that jail for three is better than Hell for one and they load up into the car and drive through the chain link fence into a Henna stall. The three jump out of the car and run off to be lost in the crowd, Johnny is exhilarated with the security chasing after him; it doesn’t matter now because he made it inside, no matter what he would live on with his soul.

The End.

The Most Wanted Man in the World

My eyes focus on a golden glow of a glass of whiskey that’s far too much ice in it. The bartender didn’t want me falling around drunk which I think is a bit cheap of him considering this is my first drink. I raise my weary head to look at him through a thin veil of smoke, the barely perceptible monsters fading in and out of old cigarette smoke distorts his already porcine face. Beady eyes glaring at me as though he didn’t want customers in his dive of a bar.

My back aches and cracks as I sit up straight. Too much time leaning on the bar trying to gather my thoughts and gather the courage to venture into the open world. While I stretch my back out, I survey the bar to see if anything had changed during my deep introspection. I’m sat at the bar of a dive that can barely call itself a drinking establishment, yet for some reason this dive seems to attract all the kids of the area. As you try to look across the room, hideous monsters and spectral figures emerge from old cigarette remains and are illuminated by halogen lighting, Which doesn’t truly serve to illuminate but only make the shadows of the bar deeper which the occasional clarity of harsh light.

To my right there’s ugly couple who look like their fucking each other with their eyes and they’re not shy about it either, When I turn my back to look behind me there’s a man pale and gaunt as death, with his eyes fierce as hell itself holding a bunch of flowers. Flowers I thought, Why does a man so disgusting as him carry flowers?

This thought alone spurred me to leave as quickly as possible. I stand far too quickly and an alien screech draws every eye in the pub to me like a spotlight of a third world execution. I draw my coat around me and leave, the treacle floor trying to keep me stuck there under the glare of those I hate.

I breach the door and walk up a multitude of steps only to gaze at a dark orange sky dirty with sin and plagued with the blemishes of dark buildings. Darkness that used to be held by sky now only seeks refuge in alleyways, hiding from the all-pervasive tainted light of the city.

I take a left and walk down a barren street of mirrors, claiming that same amount of orange darkness that the sky reluctantly accepts. Bright flashes of light from my right only serve to make the surrounding darkness more perceptible and daunting to me. The countless numbers of people around me seem faceless as I continue home.

Genesis

1 EXT. UNDERNEATH A BRIDGE OVER A CANAL. NIGHT 0300                1

An albino woman’s naked body washes up against the embankment, she is face first in the water, and a woman unseen sees the body and screams.

2 EXT. UNDERNEATH A BRIDGE OVER A CANAL. NIGHT 0430                2

The Albino woman is now covered with a white sheet and the scene is illuminated with blue and white flashing lights, there is a number of police milling around the area in white hazardous material suits picking up all kinds of forensic evidence inside a cordon-off the area with police tape. Outside the area, HARRY BANTER, a short balding man with a moustache is rubbing his chin, looking upset and clearly in deep thought. A friendly voice knocks him out of his deep thoughts.

SUZANNE

Harry! What’s the score here? What was so important that I had to be prised out of bed?

SUZANNE SHIERS is a small dark haired woman who walks with more power and confidence than is expected for her size. She looks young compared to her partner.

HARRY looks to his partner with an ashen face, takes a deep breath.

HARRY

This woman was found an hour and a half ago by a local. There’s no clothes or items in the area, it seems she was dumped here not long ago because she’s recently dead… and I’d say she was dumped not too long before she was found… We’ve got no idea who she is…

SUZANNE sighs irritably, ignorant of her partner’s obvious worry.

SUZANNE

Well get her finger prints to the lab and...

HARRY cuts her off.

HARRY

There are none.

SUZANNE

What?! No one took any yet? Christ do I have to do

HARRY cuts her off again

HARRY

There ARE none… she doesn’t have fingerprints.

SUZANNE looks confused

SUZANNE

What? You mean they were scrubbed off or burnt off. What about her teeth or DNA?

HARRY paces up and down, anxiety getting the grip of him

HARRY

No Suzy…She HAS no fingerprints, her fingers are fine but for… for some damn reason she just doesn’t have any! Her teeth are like children’s milk teeth and her blood sample….Well; I’d hesitate to even call it blood…

SUZANNE mouth drops open slightly, a number of forensics are now looking over at the attention drawn by HARRY’S outburst.

HARRY

Her blood was clear…like water… I’ve never seen anything like this… If she’s human I wouldn’t like to say, there is a blunt trauma against her head so it’s defiantly murder… but whether it’s murder of a person or… or a thing I don’t know.

SUZANNE walks over to the body, ducking up the police tape and pulls the sheet off the body, the pale white eyes stare into nothing.

SUZANNE

My god, what have we found?

SUZANNE takes a deep breath and covers the body again, then turns to all the assembled force.

SUZANNE

Right everyone! I want every flat with a view of this area and the surrounding streets knocked on, if people have seen anything, and I mean anything! If a blind man heard a mouse sneeze I want to know, and I want to know it yesterday!

The assembled police spur into a faster gear of action as someone properly takes charge.

TITLE SEQUENCE.

3 INT. FORENSICS LAB MORNING 0730     3

JOHNATHEN IRAZ stands taller than most of his peers and his white lab coat doesn’t fit him that well while he works on the albino woman’s body, is scraping out the fingernails for dirt and HARRY and SUZANNE walk into the room. The room is brightly lit with halogen bulbs in some areas and others darker, as the two approach the operating table, HARRY is the first to speak up.

HARRY

Found anything yet Johnny?

JOHNATHON

Well, you were right; this certainly is an odd case. (BEAT) The body, despite looking like a twenty-year-old woman, is in pristine condition.

SUZANNE butts in

SUZANNE

What’s wrong with that?

JOHNATHON grins darkly

JOHNATHON

If I were to cut you open right now, we could guess you age by the deterioration in your organs because, as the old cliché goes, once you’re born your start dying.

SUZANNE blushes slightly, her authority in this situation taken away from her. HARRY smiles at this.

SUZANNE

I see, Carry on…

JOHNATHON

All of this woman’s organs look like they’ve never even been used; if I were a little more macabre (BEAT, IN WHICH JOHNATHON SMILES DARKLY FOR A BRIEF MOMENT) I would say that she’d be worth millions on the black market. You don’t get adult organs in this condition.

The three look at each other, mulling this over, then HARRY turns to JOHNATHON

HARRY

So what are you saying Johnny? That we’ve got a dead woman in her twenties who never used her organs?

JOHNATHON

No, I’m saying you’ve got a woman who looks like she’s in her twenties, who was probably never alive. This isn’t the only interesting thing, I pumped her stomach and found…

JOHNATHON turns his back to HARRY and SUZANNE to show them a jar full of clear liquids.

JOHNATHON

Aside from the occasional seepage of canal water into her system, her stomach was mainly full of formaldehyde…

HARRY frowns, taking the jar and looking at it

HARRY

What, like that nutter who puts animals into big glass cases? (BEAT) Is he a suspect now?

SUZANNE

Hirst, he’s called Damien Hirst and if so, he’s taken a bizarre new twist in art.

JOHNATHON

I don’t think he’ll be winning the Turner prize for this any time soon.

4. EXT. ALLEY WAY BETWEEN FLATS, AFTERNOON.                                             4

HARRY and SUZANNE walk down the alley, Approaching a VAGRANT who is sat on the floor next to a uniformed police officer who is standing

SUZANNE

You’ve claimed that you saw someone carrying a large bag in the middle of the night, Correct?

The VAGRANT gives them a toothless grin

VAGRANT

Mighta’ done…

SUZANNE sighs irritably and drops a five pound note into the man’s lap

SUZANNE

That’s all you’ll get if what you don’t tell me something worthwhile

VAGRANT

Well, it were sometime of the night… I dunno what time cuz I was getting pissed, but I saw a small looking bloke… ‘E was ‘avin an ‘ard time lifting this bag as well, but you see some funny things at this time of night… never thought much of it.

The VAGRANT looks at Suzanne expectantly, yet she just looks back. The VAGRANT frowns briefly, the pipes up.

VAGRANT

Oh and it were a Chinese Feller too! I think… can’t be too sure these days.

SUZANNE nods to the man and drops a twenty pound note into his lap, then turns to HARRY

SUZANNE

Now we have something to work too, put out a search in the local area for men of East Asian descent, it’s not much, but it’s something to start on.

Escape From Malvagia

Her eyes were closed as the sudden sensation often attributed to going over a hill awoke her from her sleep, this transformation into the world of the wide awake and living was fully complete by the powerful sensation of her jaw smacking off the cold tile flaw and her teeth snapping against each other.

Her eyes struggled to focus in the harsh bright light as people stumbled and tripped over her forlorn body.

Kim reached out to across the floor and dragged herself away from the cacophony of flying kicks and finally managed to adjust herself against the cold tile wall, far away from the interest of any other.

She groaned and rubbed her jaw while it throbbed painfully, she could feel miniscule chips of teeth in her mouth. Kim spat out the nuisance in her mouth along with a mixture of blood and saliva, making a stark contrast against the greying tile floor.

She stood by pushing herself against the tile wall and looked to the steel grey tram that apparently dropped her off, the last couple of passenger’s footsteps could be heard echoing down the station.

The attendants in their royal red and glamorous suits stood at each door of the tram, Kim walked closer until she could swear that she could hear the strain on the suits around their grossly fat pot-bellies.

“ ’Scuse me…. Can you tell me where I am?”

The red-faced attendant closest to hear barked his response, his beady eyes glaring at her from his behind his puffed up cheeks

“Malvagia ma’am!”

His response seemed to make him sweat, but it could have simply been the searing hot heat that was becoming apparent to her dazed sense.

“When’s the next train to Brooklyn?” Kim inquired, pulling up her greying jeans that were almost slipping off her hips.

“End of the line ma’am! Last train!”

“Well Fuck.” Kim thought, she pressed her tongue against her now faintly jagged teeth, feeling the blood run down her tongue, a headache was building against her eyes just to add to her annoyance.

She looked to the stairs and staggered up slowly, her hand gripping the rail for dear-life. When Kim reached the top of the stairs she looked around, not seeing a car all around the crowded street, an icy cold miasma was in the air, which while pressing on her face, she still felt intolerably hot. Neither of these sensations did anything to comfort against the other.

“Yo! Taxi?” she called out to the general population, but as if she didn’t even exist, not a soul bothered to look up.

She forced her way through the crowd, people bumping into from all directions, trying to avoid the not-so “stray” hand accidentally brushing her indecently.

Kim’s brain felt like it was trying to burst it’s way out of her skull; she swallowed the blood filling up in her mouth again. It seemed like a good idea to get some place to stay for the night, so reached out and grabbed a short man with a mouse-ish composure

“Hey buddy, where can I get a bed for the night?” she asked.

The man looked up slowly, his milk-bottle thick glasses making him seem like a human owl

“Mmhmm… Yes? Well I can see that…. I think books’ lets bums like you stay, now get your filthy hand off me!”

The small man wrenched himself easily out of her grip and hurried along his way

“Books huh?.. I’m guessing he don’t mean a Starbucks…” she thought.

Kim started to wander the street, trying to find whatever place in this weird town that looked like it might contain books but every other shop she came across was a hideously lit porn, booze or worse. The dark cynic in the back of her mind smirked and said, “it’s like they built a city out of a red light district”.

She sighed and rested against a busted street lamp, the light orange glow of the light was flickering on and off, making it difficult to retrieve the packet of cigarettes stuck crumpled in her pocket.

She pulled out the worryingly light packet; she frowned and closed her eyes. Kim offered a silent prayer that there would be one last precious cigarette left in the packet.

She flicked it open with her thumb and was momentarily elated to find a cig looking towards her. She eagerly pulled it out and put the other end to her lips, only to get loose tobacco falling into her mouth.

Cringing, she looked into the packet to see a pitiful filter lying in the dark pit of the packet.

“Fuck!” she screamed at the top of her lungs at the now oddly empty city street.

“Why the fuck does this goddamned shit always fucking happen to me!” She looked up at the sky and screamed “You cuntastic whore! Give me a fucking cigarette!” At which point the flickering light above her head burst out with a flash, enveloping her in darkness.

She took another deep breath to sigh, the anger rising in her chest but a feeling of cold darkness started to creep over her, the hairs on the back of her neck raised and her breath iced up in the air.

Divine Message

A SUNNY ROAD BY A RIVER IN A QUIET SLEEPY COUNTRY VILLAGE. A LAZY SUMMER AFTERNOON, THE SOUND OF TRICKLING WATER CAN BE HEARD.  A SANDBAG WITH THE WORD “Hello” WRITTEN IN BLACK DROPS ONTO CENTRE STAGE. AFTER 40 SECONDS,  Fred WALKS ON FROM TOP RIGHT AND INSPECTS THE BAG FOR ONE MINUTE. BOB WALKS ON FROM TOP LEFT

BOB                What’s that you have there Fred?

FRED              I dunno Bob, it’s just a bag filled with sand.

BOB                Then… why are you so interested in it yeh silly beggar?

FRED              Well that’s just the thing ain’t it Bob? It just fell out of the sky and I 'aven’t got a clue where from…

BOB                (Jokingly) Could be Aliens?

BOTH MEN PAUSE THEN LOOK UP AFTER 10 SECONDS

BOTH             Nah…

FRED              Well, as I said, it just dropped out of the sky and… ‘Ere! Bob come look ‘ave a gander at this

FRED KNEELS DOWN NEXT TO THE BAG AND POINTS TO THE “Hello” ON

IT

FRED              It says ‘Ello! That means someone meant it to be read!

BOB                Are you telling me that there’s some daft bugger up there writing greetin’s on sand bags and chuckin’ ‘em out of plane windows?

FRED STANDS

FRED              Well… What do you reckon it is then? And if you say aliens I’ll give yer a clip round the ear ‘ole!

BOB MUSES OVER THIS FOR A MOMENT

BOB                I reckon it’s the CIA

FRED              (Angrily) That’s yer answer it everythin’ yer daft sod! Always bloody Government or Aliens or JF Bloody K!

BOB NODS SAGELY

BOB                The truth is out there my friend…, and its people like you keeping us enlightened ones in the dark!

FRED              Lord give me strength...

FRED PAUSES AS IF JUST DAWNING ON SOMETHING

FRED              Ere! Maybe that’s it?

BOB                What’s it?

FRED              No thanks I’ve already eaten

BOB                (Frustrated) I MEAN what is it? What fantastic conclusion have you reached? Not a savoury snack!

FRED              Well maybe it’s from Him?

BOB                Who?!

FRED              The Lord! Maybe it’s a message from god!

BOB                Oh bloody hell

FRED              Don’t start blaspheming in his presence!

BOB                First thing chum! God is omnipresent, therefore no matter where I am, I would always be in his presence, If he exists…

FRED STARTS TOWARDS BOB ANGRILY, BOB HOLDS UP HIS HANDS

BOB                Secondly, if it IS from god, then why the bloody he... (PAUSES) why on earth is he sending brief greetings on sand bags from the sky? Surely it’d be some bloke on a hill with big robes, a big beard and saying stuff like “Thou shalt” and “Behold” and whatnot?

FRED              Ah (TAPS HIS NOSE) God’s way is mysterious, maybe it’s not a major prophecy, but just a gentle reminder he’s out there? Just a slight nudge saying. “Hey Fred! It’ll be alright, I’m watching out for you”

BOB                Wouldn’t be nice for a bloke if that bloomin’ sandbag landed on his ‘ead… that thing’d take it clean off…

FRED              That’s not really the point is it? Is it so hard that god sent us a nice friendly hello? I mean, you may think it’s implausible, but that’s the reason I think it’s possible!

BOB                Now you just sound like a prat.

FRED              Why cant you just open your mind to the possibilities?! Is it so hard that a being more powerful than you can exist and control every aspect of your meaningless life?!

BOB                (PAUSES) … No.

FRED              Why? You may like the idea that life is meaningless, but I think you should try to enjoy to the life you have been given by god and all it’s wonderful riches!

BOB                Well I agree with the latter part to that. I enjoy all the riches of this life… Well all the legal ones… but why does god have to come in and tell me that the things I enjoy are sins?

FRED              That’s just the way it is! But sins are forgiven! I’ve asked you before but why cant you accept the love of god?!

BOB STAMPS OVER TO THE BAG AND PICKS IT UP

BOB                I’m getting rid of this bloody thing before you get any more daft ideas in your head!

FRED LUNGES FOR THE BAG AND THEY STRUGGLE FOR IT

FRED              Let me have it! It’s nowt to you! Give it ‘ere!

BOB                This is getting you daft as it is! You’ll be putting people on the bloody cross soon!

FRED              That’s blasphemy you git!

THE BAG BETWEEN THE TWO SPLITS OPEN, POURING SAND

EVERYWHERE

FRED              Look what you’ve done! You heathen!

BOB                It’s best for you!

FRED              I’m sick of your crap! You always mocked my beliefs!

BOB                Well stuff you then!

FRED              Fine!

FRED WALKS OFF THE WAY HE CAME

BOB                Fine!

BOB STARTS TO WALK OFF THE WAY HE CAME, THEN FRED WALKS

BACK ONTO STAGE

FRED              Err….See you at the bucket and dog at six right?

BOB TURNS BACK TO FRED

BOB                Of course, you owe me more than one pint!

THEY BOTH WALK OFF STAGE IN THEIR RESPECTIVE DIRECTIONS.

Incubus

A faint glimmer of consciousness is birthed into the abyss, twisting and turning, it coils in rage and anger at being taken from it’s peaceful state of nonexistence into the reality that is pain. It is hate, it is abhorrent, it’s vengeful glow burns brighter as the venomous spite courses through the entity’s existence. Madness claws the thoughts as the wild being is trapped between total nothingness and complete being. The growing expression screams as tears itself apart, clawing at its own vague and opaque form, shreds of itself burn hot and vicious. The consciousness, the idea, the being is trapped in a cyclone of self destruction, unable to fully destroy itself and unable to complete the transition into full life. The storm merely grows in fury and pain until something cracks. It pauses, waiting for itself to break when it realises the crack was from within, not in itself. Some light? An answer? It does not fathom but it seeps through and begins to know.

Jennifer’s eyes opened. She didn’t shoot awake or scream, she was not shaken to her very core or even worried.  It was just time to wake. Jennifer stretched in her bed, a slight perturbed feeling nagging the back of her mind, the half remembered images of her dream evaporating quickly as the consciousness of the daytime rose. The bed Jennifer lay in always felt too large, like her sleek frame was being engulfed in a monster made of comforting clothe and feathers.
The room was still mostly dark, the curtains, thick and heavy, were still drawn, pressing out most of the coming morn. Jennifer liked the darkness. It wasn’t that the light of the morning bothered her, she just felt at ease without it. The glowing red numbers of the alarm clock announced it was seven minutes past six am. Jennifer knew in just under eight minutes, the alarm would switch on. Jennifer also knew that in just under seven minutes she would turn it off before it has the chance to ring out. She hadn’t needed that alarm in over four years, but nevertheless, she would turn it back on before she went to sleep.

Jennifer shuffled over to the side of the bed and stood up. Her bare calves touching the side of the bed, the old wood beaten and marked by time and usage. The threadbare carpet comfortingly rough on the soles of her feet. The nightshirt Jennifer wore was draped on her body, ill fitting and loose, shimmied about her as she strode towards her closet and gazed at herself with a sigh. Jennifer knew she was losing weight, she also knew a lot of girls, hell, a lot of women would kill to just lose weight without trying, but she knew she was starting to look starved. Jennifer knew she meant to eat the right amount and did so, but could only find herself thinner every day.
Jennifer picked out a t-shirt, a buttoned shirt to wear open over the top and loose jeans to cover her disappearing self. She placed her choice that day’s clothes on a large menagerie of stuffed animals that were once loved and bought over bitterly and now laid in an uncared for mountain in the corner of her room. Jennifer reached the wooden drawers, switched off the alarm that rested atop and pulled a drawer to make a choice of panties, a bra, sadly, still not needed Jennifer thought as she considered her undeveloped chest.

 Jennifer bent to pull her panties on and came to eye contact with a photo in a gilded green frame. Two little blonde girls with long hair stood in front of their parents, a healthy looking couple, father looking to burst with pride to the camera with a cap on his head, mother as brilliantly blonde as her daughters looking at her husband.

What to do after You Die

And other Post-corporeal problems.

Please note that this book is intended for the dead or nearly dead or really really bored.

Life

 Life is something of a shock to us all. It comes on very quickly, without any warning and by the time you are full of life it’ll take another twelve or so months to realise what’s happened and that you are actually alive and not just some vague sensory input (although it is said this realisation never happens in London).  The problem with life is that no one ever asks for it, it is thrust upon us, much like duty or honour or gravy, except that you can politely decline a serving of duty or honour.

You are taken from your state of non-existence where you were once content with nothing, into life, where nothing will ever make you content. Some of the living across the corporeal planes try to get back to this existence of nothing by forgoing all needs and wants, this is of course nonsense and the only way mortals ever glimpse of the happiness they previously felt is by buying enormous amounts of useless stuff that they will never ever truly need.
But this is nonsense too.
Also some of the living hold onto the fact that death, or “suspension of existence” can only truly bring you contentment, this is just a lie the dead tell the living. This half-lie is called religion. Why it is a half-lie is something that for narrative purpose we shall come back too later.

The living fear death above all other things because it is their believed loss of existence that scares them the most. Any one living who claims to have no fear of death is either stupid, insane or both (or in some very rare cases the being may already be dead and hasn’t realised yet) If you have no fear of death please see a psychologist or a mortician.

The problem with being alive is that is comes with all sorts of prerequisites such as sunlight and air, its not enough to simply exist but take up space, consume and generally make a nuisance. This is a problem for those in sentient existence themselves and all the other living beings that have been blessed with lack of sentience.

Take John Smith. A man named with such an incredibly common name that he is he only person to own it and his incredibly lacklustre life. This man has just finished college with a bare pass at a carpeting GNVQ. 

Pain in the Arse

Alright Michael, The alarm is beeping, you know that if you stay in bed you’ll be groggy all day and you have a big job interview at lunch time. It’s best if you get up now.

Come on now, it’s no use pulling the covers over your head, I know they’re warm but they wont help you keep your apartment, let alone your girlfriend. Just get up, make yourself some breakfast and watch the news. That way, you’ll be awake and bright for everything.

Is it that time already?  I know it’s getting up time but it’s a bit early isn’t it? I mean if you get a couple of hours kip now, you’ll be better for it right mike? You know it’s right to sleep in, and If you get up and have breakfast you’ll only be putting on extra pounds that you know you should be losing. That’s right, just wrap yourself in your covers and it’ll be better, close your eyes and think about what you need to be doing later.

No. Come on, Stand up and go to the bathroom. I know sleeping seems like the nicest idea but you really need a piss and not even I can help with that. That right, once your done here clean your teeth, and remember to book a dentist appointment because you’ve got a hole back there and if you don’t get it looked at it’ll be a right pain.

Forget that hole, it’ll heal itself, you saw that on that documentary once right? And look down will you? Your too fat and your dick’s too small, phone a surgeon and get that sorted, it wont matter how much it costs because once you look sexy then you’ll get any job and any girl with big tits too. Oh and… Should you really be this hairy? You look like an untrimmed chimp.

Look in the mirror, See those blue eyes? Yeah everyone loves them. And that long hair, who couldn’t love a guy like you? Your perfect as you are. Don’t worry about superficial things though, it’s what’s inside that counts and by all accounts, you are a thoroughly lovely chap. I’d buy you a pint if I wasn’t on your shoulder.

Go on, get some decent clothes on. No not that crap, something trendy so someone will think you’re not a half-wit with the dress sense of an eighties horror reject. And since your up you might as well get some decent trough down you, How about a fry up? And the only thing cold in the fridge is beer and that’ll calm your nerves before the interview, one wont affect your driving.

I Hate My Job

1 EXT. ON M60 BRIDGE OVER MANCHESTER SHIP CANAL MID-DAY 1200

A man wearing entirely black apart from a yellow reflective jacket walks up the bridge towards a group of cars in disorder, some turned over, there are no moving cars and the scene is eerily quiet, it looks like the remains of a car crash yet there is no commotion and no noise apart from the sounds of a gentle breeze.

The MAN IN BLACK approaches the crash while all the people in the cars look at him with a mild curiosity, not at all bothered that the cars they are in damaged or overturned. The MAN IN BLACK approaches an overturned red car and quietly opens the doors, unbuckles the woman inside it and helps her out, her husband watches on, frowning slightly but the MAN IN BLACK kneels down to face him and simply shakes his head.

The MAN IN BLACK and the woman from the red car walk over to a coach with all it’s windows smashed, people on the inside watching casually, The MAN IN BLACK gets on the coach and takes an elderly couple off, he gets back on and nods to a teenager, who gets off too. The MAN IN BLACK pauses while on the coach and walks right to the back where he finds a scared little girl

MAN IN BLACK

It’s ok. Come with me.

The little girl nods, looking calmer and gets out of her seat, taking the MAN IN BLACK’s hand as they walk off the bus together.

The four passengers wait for the MAN IN BLACK as he sets off amongst the car wrecks while a raven flies over the cars, cawing loudly. The MAN IN BLACK helps a man out of a white SUV and returns to the group of people who all look at each other apprehensively.

There is a pause as the MAN IN BLACK looks to all the others quietly, looking them each in the face while they look at him and each other, then as one they follow the MAN IN BLACK down the slope towards the bottom of the bridge.

As they walk down, birds start to tweet and cars start to drive past on the opposite lane, very slowly and not a lot at first but the speed and amount increase over time.

The MAN IN BLACK stops and turns around to face the man from the white SUV.

MAN IN BLACK

You. Go back, you’re not ready yet.

The man nods and turns back, starting the ascent back to the car crash again. He reaches his car and climbs in, shutting the door and pulling his seat belt back on. Then the rest of the people following the MAN IN BLACK resume walking away and as they get further they start to fade away.

The car crash seems to resume life with all the noise and action going on like a normal car crash. There was people screaming and all the people who followed the MAN IN BLACK out are not moving and dead. There are police men, ambulances and fire-trucks all around causing a commotion.

The people next to their dead loved ones try to revive them and there is a mother at the back of a coach trying to resuscitate her little girl whose soul had already faded away.

MAN IN BLACK

I hate my job.

FADE TO BLACK.

Egg Called Fred

 Dear Simon

Hello little brother, how are your travels? Last night I was went to the clubs trying to find myself a girl, it turns out it’s a bit more difficult than it looks in the movies. It’s very hard to be suave and charming like James Bond when your yelling at the top of your voice to someone apparently doesn’t speak English. “Would you like a drink Madam?” Sort of loses it’s charisma when your eyes are bulging and you’ve got a vein throbbing in your head from all the shouting.

One girl replied “Go home Wanker!” which I found a bit confusing because I don’t quite know what a wanker is, it didn’t sound very nice. When I got home at ten I put a microwave meal on wand watched Star Trek, I need to meet a woman who wants me to teach her about love, unfortunately only alien woman seem to need lessons.

Love Jonathon

Dear Johnny

I think you should try somewhere smaller to meet women, maybe one of your friends knows some girls you can try meeting? Why not look in the library for some help books? I’m sure Agnes there can help you.

I will be in Peru this week with some Japanese backpackers.

Love Simon

Sayonara!

Dear Simon

I been to my local library and found some useful self help books, they are called “minestrone for the soul”, “Get up and get out there!” and “Dogging for amateurs”. I don’t have a dog, as I’m allergic so I’m not sure why the librarian mentioned that title, but whatever helps. I found an Egg on the way home sitting alone in a pack of six and I immediately felt sorry for the poor little chap, he also has a lot of space to share but no other little eggy friends to be with, so I decided we were kindred spirits and took him home.

I will call him Fred.

Also I found out what a wanker is in the library, and I can tell you one thing I am defiantly not one. If I see one on the street, I will defiantly cross the road to avoid him.

Love Jonathon

Dear Johnny!

I’m glad you’ve made a new friend! What happened to Percy? I hope Fred will make interesting conversation. I’m not sure that book about dogs is for you and I don’t really recommend you read it, but then again, you never know what you might take an interest in! How is mum? I do miss her, I hope you tell her about my travels! I’ve decided that Peru isn’t very nice as there isn’t a decent bar for miles and it smells of gerbils so me and my girlfriend are going to Fiji.

Oh yes I have I new girlfriend, I Dumped Ermine in El Salvador and hooked up with one of the Japanese backpackers. I don’t quite know how to pronounce her name, let alone spell it but we have excellent body language if you know what I mean!

Love Simon

Dear Simon

Mum is still dead. I don’t like talking to her grave because it feels weird and Fred agrees with me. I have decided to become vegan because it’s hard to eat animals and especially their by-products when you know one, it’s a bit of a social hiccup.

I hope you don’t spend the cheque I sent too soon, as the saying goes “Don’t spend all your money in one country”

Love Johnny.

Come With Me

Come With Me exists in two forms. one as an original script format for university, the other as an attempt at a present for girlfriend. Neither worked

Come With Me

ACT 1 SCENE 1

INSIDE A HOSPITAL ROOM, JOHN SITS UPSTAGE MIDDLE WHILE HIS WIFE CLARA LAYS ON A HOSPITAL BED CENTRE STAGE. THERE IS A HEART MONITOR NEXT TO THE BED WITH A STEADY BEEPING RTHYMN

A NURSE IS STANDING UPSTAGE LEFT

JOHN              It’s not fair…

CLARA          Life isn’t sweetie

JOHN              Well it bloody well should be! I don’t want to loose you… (stifles a sob)

CLARA          Please don’t cry, I can’t bear it. All the things I wanted to do with you… All that time gone down to stupid chance

JOHN              A year… it’s not fair! A year isn’t nearly enough time for me to spend with you, I love you so much.

CLARA          (Starts to breathe raggedly) I don’t want to die without you!

HEART RATE STARTS TO QUICKEN

JOHN              Oh no don’t die! Please not yet! Not ever!

CLARA          Come with me!

JOHN              (Pause) What? I… I can’t…

CLARA          Please John come with me! I don’t want to be alone wherever I go!

JOHN IS LOST FOR WORDS

CLARA          (In tears) Don’t leave me! I love you and I don’t wanna be without you!

JOHN              (mumbles) I’m afraid

CLARA          So am I! But I just want to be with you forever! Don’t you?

JOHN              I…

CLARA          Come with me! Please!

CLARA STARTS TO GASP FOR BREATH; HER HEARTBEAT QUICKENS FASTER THEN FLAT LINES. THE NURSE STEPS TO THE BED.

NURSE           Time of death, Ten past one pm (PAUSES THEN TURNS TO THE SOBBING JOHN) I’m sorry… My grandmother died of cancer

ACT 1 SCENE 2

TOM SITS ON A PUB STOOL MIDDLE STAGE LEFT SIPPING HIS PINT AND READING A NEWSPAPER EVERY SO OFTEN CHECKING HIS WATCH.

JOHN ENTERS STAGE RIGHT AND WALKS OVER TO TOM LOOKING DISHEVELED. IN THE BACKGROUND “love will tear us apart” (by joy division) IS PLAYING

JOHN              Oh sorry I’m late, I was…umh… I’m sorry I forgot alright? But at least I’m here.

JOHN SITS ON AN OPPOSITE STOOL

TOM               Not like the last three times (SMIRKS) but it’s alright, I mean, how long was it since I last saw you?

JOHN              Four months.

TOM               Since. (IS CUT OFF)

JOHN              Yeah…

TOM               (PAUSES) You been keeping busy then?

JOHN              Not really…

TOM               (SIGHES) Uhh… Pint?

JOHN              Yeah sure

TOM STANDS AND WALKS OFF STAGE BRIEFLY WHILE JOHN SITS ON THE STOOL LOOKING UNCOMFORTABLE. AFTER A MOMENT TOM RETURNS WITH THE PINT

TOM               There you go mate, don’t worry, this one’s on me (PAUSE) so… you ok? You holding up alright?

JOHN              You know what? I’m not, this is the first time I’ve left the house for something other than shopping and work. (JOHN QUICKLY DRINKS A LARGE PORTION OF HIS PINT)

TOM               Ah shit….I’m sorry mate

JOHN              What for? It’s not like it’s your fault is it?

TOM               Well… You know, I could have been more tactful…that’s all I’m sayin..

JOHN              Well don’t say! … I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be snapping at you… How have you been?

TOM               Oh you know, work work work. I got a new Gir (DROPS OFF) nevermind…

JOHN              You don’t have to walk on eggshells… yeah I still hurt… I still hurt a lot but I’m dealing with it (HE FINISHES HIS PINT)

TOM               Well that’s good, I just wanna make sure your alright mate…

JOHN              You know the last thing she said to me?

TOM               What?

JOHN              She said “Come with me”…

TOM               Well… she was scared, I don’t blame her.

JOHN              Yeah, me neither.

TOM NODS AND DRINKS, THEN PAUSES

TOM               I know that tone… Your not thinking?

JOHN              Tom I would be with her now if I wasn’t a coward.

TOM               You’re not a coward mate…and (IS CUT OFF)

JOHN              I fucking am! I don’t want to live without her but I’m too scared to die!

TOM               Mate! What about all the other things in your life? Your family?

JOHN              She mattered more than my family, I know that sounds harsh but it’s true!

TOM               You could meet someone else… she’d want you to move on.

JOHN              You don’t know shit!

TOM               Well… I… I cant really say “Go ahead mate, need a hand offing yourself?” can I?

JOHN              I know… I know…

TOM               Just… don’t do anything rash ok?

JOHN              If rash was what I’m like I would have done it the day after she…

TOM               Well… just don’t mate? And would you do me a favour?

JOHN              What?

TOM               See a doctor? I mean a head-doctor?

JOHN              Maybe

TOM               Please?

JOHN              Listen… I’ve got to go

TOM               You only just got here!

JOHN              yeah well… I need to get home.

TOM               Alright… seeya mate

JOHN LEAVES STAGE RIGHT WITHOUT REPLYING AND TOM PICKS UP HIS PAPER AND READS AGAIN.

And now the prose format 

Come With Me

The Novel

                John was thinking about things. About the past. About the future. Whatever John was thinking, it was to avoid thinking about the present. The midday sun was timidly poking through the curtains of the flat. Thin slices of light flittered about the detritus of the fetid room. The television was stuck on a twenty-four hour news channel, as it had been the day before and the day before that. Not that John was paying any attention, just a source of noise to block out the terrible silence that seemed to fill what was once their home.
                John was thinking about two divergent possibilities. The one that had already happened and the one that could have been. Where his and Clara’s paths could have split and they would have never been, they could have never met, never got on, had some falling out and broken up. All of which seemed a much brighter possibility “Such is the benefit of Hindsight” John thought to himself. John’s flat hadn’t been cleaned in months, not properly at least, there was no stink of rotting food or discarded human matter tossed aside carelessly. The problem with the flat was it had become stale, like a mausoleum without the dead. The amber drink in John’s tumbler was tilting as the third drink since he awoke was taking its affect, calling him into the numb sleep. The answering machine light flittered on and off, full of unheard messages that bore no meaning to John any more.
John’s mind swung from the possibilities of an alternate world back into reality, and what was real, what had really happened and how it had shattered his idyllic life.

*

John strode across the university campus. The bare trees were showing the slightest signs of leaves and life, the winter miasma that spreads over any academic institution was lifting as the days were getting longer. Students had begun to sporadically populate the lawns and benches that decorate the campus, although they were still clothed in jumpers and coats, the dawn of spring instilled the will and the life to end their voluntary hibernation. It was the final year for John and he was approaching it with a mix of emotions, the finality to his youth and the encroaching adulthood was met with a sense of fearful excitement, the same fearful excitement of waiting for a rollercoaster, the thrills and the scares mixed into a tight ball in the pit of your stomach.

John had a destination and a purpose. Go to the student union bar, meet Alexandra (or Alley as she prefer) and drink as many noxious liquids as their bodies and wallets could handle. Alexandra was John’s best friend from college and it was a no coincidence that they had attended the same university, John had chosen to study Law at Manchester and Alexandra had decided to study Sociology at Manchester Met. While John was leading their friendship, the shared benefit of this move to the same city granted them the benefit of having someone to rely on in a strange and large city.