What to do after You Die

And other Post-corporeal problems.

Please note that this book is intended for the dead or nearly dead or really really bored.

Life

 Life is something of a shock to us all. It comes on very quickly, without any warning and by the time you are full of life it’ll take another twelve or so months to realise what’s happened and that you are actually alive and not just some vague sensory input (although it is said this realisation never happens in London).  The problem with life is that no one ever asks for it, it is thrust upon us, much like duty or honour or gravy, except that you can politely decline a serving of duty or honour.

You are taken from your state of non-existence where you were once content with nothing, into life, where nothing will ever make you content. Some of the living across the corporeal planes try to get back to this existence of nothing by forgoing all needs and wants, this is of course nonsense and the only way mortals ever glimpse of the happiness they previously felt is by buying enormous amounts of useless stuff that they will never ever truly need.
But this is nonsense too.
Also some of the living hold onto the fact that death, or “suspension of existence” can only truly bring you contentment, this is just a lie the dead tell the living. This half-lie is called religion. Why it is a half-lie is something that for narrative purpose we shall come back too later.

The living fear death above all other things because it is their believed loss of existence that scares them the most. Any one living who claims to have no fear of death is either stupid, insane or both (or in some very rare cases the being may already be dead and hasn’t realised yet) If you have no fear of death please see a psychologist or a mortician.

The problem with being alive is that is comes with all sorts of prerequisites such as sunlight and air, its not enough to simply exist but take up space, consume and generally make a nuisance. This is a problem for those in sentient existence themselves and all the other living beings that have been blessed with lack of sentience.

Take John Smith. A man named with such an incredibly common name that he is he only person to own it and his incredibly lacklustre life. This man has just finished college with a bare pass at a carpeting GNVQ.