Pain in the Arse

Alright Michael, The alarm is beeping, you know that if you stay in bed you’ll be groggy all day and you have a big job interview at lunch time. It’s best if you get up now.

Come on now, it’s no use pulling the covers over your head, I know they’re warm but they wont help you keep your apartment, let alone your girlfriend. Just get up, make yourself some breakfast and watch the news. That way, you’ll be awake and bright for everything.

Is it that time already?  I know it’s getting up time but it’s a bit early isn’t it? I mean if you get a couple of hours kip now, you’ll be better for it right mike? You know it’s right to sleep in, and If you get up and have breakfast you’ll only be putting on extra pounds that you know you should be losing. That’s right, just wrap yourself in your covers and it’ll be better, close your eyes and think about what you need to be doing later.

No. Come on, Stand up and go to the bathroom. I know sleeping seems like the nicest idea but you really need a piss and not even I can help with that. That right, once your done here clean your teeth, and remember to book a dentist appointment because you’ve got a hole back there and if you don’t get it looked at it’ll be a right pain.

Forget that hole, it’ll heal itself, you saw that on that documentary once right? And look down will you? Your too fat and your dick’s too small, phone a surgeon and get that sorted, it wont matter how much it costs because once you look sexy then you’ll get any job and any girl with big tits too. Oh and… Should you really be this hairy? You look like an untrimmed chimp.

Look in the mirror, See those blue eyes? Yeah everyone loves them. And that long hair, who couldn’t love a guy like you? Your perfect as you are. Don’t worry about superficial things though, it’s what’s inside that counts and by all accounts, you are a thoroughly lovely chap. I’d buy you a pint if I wasn’t on your shoulder.

Go on, get some decent clothes on. No not that crap, something trendy so someone will think you’re not a half-wit with the dress sense of an eighties horror reject. And since your up you might as well get some decent trough down you, How about a fry up? And the only thing cold in the fridge is beer and that’ll calm your nerves before the interview, one wont affect your driving.