Egg Called Fred

 Dear Simon

Hello little brother, how are your travels? Last night I was went to the clubs trying to find myself a girl, it turns out it’s a bit more difficult than it looks in the movies. It’s very hard to be suave and charming like James Bond when your yelling at the top of your voice to someone apparently doesn’t speak English. “Would you like a drink Madam?” Sort of loses it’s charisma when your eyes are bulging and you’ve got a vein throbbing in your head from all the shouting.

One girl replied “Go home Wanker!” which I found a bit confusing because I don’t quite know what a wanker is, it didn’t sound very nice. When I got home at ten I put a microwave meal on wand watched Star Trek, I need to meet a woman who wants me to teach her about love, unfortunately only alien woman seem to need lessons.

Love Jonathon

Dear Johnny

I think you should try somewhere smaller to meet women, maybe one of your friends knows some girls you can try meeting? Why not look in the library for some help books? I’m sure Agnes there can help you.

I will be in Peru this week with some Japanese backpackers.

Love Simon

Sayonara!

Dear Simon

I been to my local library and found some useful self help books, they are called “minestrone for the soul”, “Get up and get out there!” and “Dogging for amateurs”. I don’t have a dog, as I’m allergic so I’m not sure why the librarian mentioned that title, but whatever helps. I found an Egg on the way home sitting alone in a pack of six and I immediately felt sorry for the poor little chap, he also has a lot of space to share but no other little eggy friends to be with, so I decided we were kindred spirits and took him home.

I will call him Fred.

Also I found out what a wanker is in the library, and I can tell you one thing I am defiantly not one. If I see one on the street, I will defiantly cross the road to avoid him.

Love Jonathon

Dear Johnny!

I’m glad you’ve made a new friend! What happened to Percy? I hope Fred will make interesting conversation. I’m not sure that book about dogs is for you and I don’t really recommend you read it, but then again, you never know what you might take an interest in! How is mum? I do miss her, I hope you tell her about my travels! I’ve decided that Peru isn’t very nice as there isn’t a decent bar for miles and it smells of gerbils so me and my girlfriend are going to Fiji.

Oh yes I have I new girlfriend, I Dumped Ermine in El Salvador and hooked up with one of the Japanese backpackers. I don’t quite know how to pronounce her name, let alone spell it but we have excellent body language if you know what I mean!

Love Simon

Dear Simon

Mum is still dead. I don’t like talking to her grave because it feels weird and Fred agrees with me. I have decided to become vegan because it’s hard to eat animals and especially their by-products when you know one, it’s a bit of a social hiccup.

I hope you don’t spend the cheque I sent too soon, as the saying goes “Don’t spend all your money in one country”

Love Johnny.