What to do after You Die

And other Post-corporeal problems.

Please note that this book is intended for the dead or nearly dead or really really bored.

Life

 Life is something of a shock to us all. It comes on very quickly, without any warning and by the time you are full of life it’ll take another twelve or so months to realise what’s happened and that you are actually alive and not just some vague sensory input (although it is said this realisation never happens in London).  The problem with life is that no one ever asks for it, it is thrust upon us, much like duty or honour or gravy, except that you can politely decline a serving of duty or honour.

You are taken from your state of non-existence where you were once content with nothing, into life, where nothing will ever make you content. Some of the living across the corporeal planes try to get back to this existence of nothing by forgoing all needs and wants, this is of course nonsense and the only way mortals ever glimpse of the happiness they previously felt is by buying enormous amounts of useless stuff that they will never ever truly need.
But this is nonsense too.
Also some of the living hold onto the fact that death, or “suspension of existence” can only truly bring you contentment, this is just a lie the dead tell the living. This half-lie is called religion. Why it is a half-lie is something that for narrative purpose we shall come back too later.

The living fear death above all other things because it is their believed loss of existence that scares them the most. Any one living who claims to have no fear of death is either stupid, insane or both (or in some very rare cases the being may already be dead and hasn’t realised yet) If you have no fear of death please see a psychologist or a mortician.

The problem with being alive is that is comes with all sorts of prerequisites such as sunlight and air, its not enough to simply exist but take up space, consume and generally make a nuisance. This is a problem for those in sentient existence themselves and all the other living beings that have been blessed with lack of sentience.

Take John Smith. A man named with such an incredibly common name that he is he only person to own it and his incredibly lacklustre life. This man has just finished college with a bare pass at a carpeting GNVQ. 

Pain in the Arse

Alright Michael, The alarm is beeping, you know that if you stay in bed you’ll be groggy all day and you have a big job interview at lunch time. It’s best if you get up now.

Come on now, it’s no use pulling the covers over your head, I know they’re warm but they wont help you keep your apartment, let alone your girlfriend. Just get up, make yourself some breakfast and watch the news. That way, you’ll be awake and bright for everything.

Is it that time already?  I know it’s getting up time but it’s a bit early isn’t it? I mean if you get a couple of hours kip now, you’ll be better for it right mike? You know it’s right to sleep in, and If you get up and have breakfast you’ll only be putting on extra pounds that you know you should be losing. That’s right, just wrap yourself in your covers and it’ll be better, close your eyes and think about what you need to be doing later.

No. Come on, Stand up and go to the bathroom. I know sleeping seems like the nicest idea but you really need a piss and not even I can help with that. That right, once your done here clean your teeth, and remember to book a dentist appointment because you’ve got a hole back there and if you don’t get it looked at it’ll be a right pain.

Forget that hole, it’ll heal itself, you saw that on that documentary once right? And look down will you? Your too fat and your dick’s too small, phone a surgeon and get that sorted, it wont matter how much it costs because once you look sexy then you’ll get any job and any girl with big tits too. Oh and… Should you really be this hairy? You look like an untrimmed chimp.

Look in the mirror, See those blue eyes? Yeah everyone loves them. And that long hair, who couldn’t love a guy like you? Your perfect as you are. Don’t worry about superficial things though, it’s what’s inside that counts and by all accounts, you are a thoroughly lovely chap. I’d buy you a pint if I wasn’t on your shoulder.

Go on, get some decent clothes on. No not that crap, something trendy so someone will think you’re not a half-wit with the dress sense of an eighties horror reject. And since your up you might as well get some decent trough down you, How about a fry up? And the only thing cold in the fridge is beer and that’ll calm your nerves before the interview, one wont affect your driving.

I Hate My Job

1 EXT. ON M60 BRIDGE OVER MANCHESTER SHIP CANAL MID-DAY 1200

A man wearing entirely black apart from a yellow reflective jacket walks up the bridge towards a group of cars in disorder, some turned over, there are no moving cars and the scene is eerily quiet, it looks like the remains of a car crash yet there is no commotion and no noise apart from the sounds of a gentle breeze.

The MAN IN BLACK approaches the crash while all the people in the cars look at him with a mild curiosity, not at all bothered that the cars they are in damaged or overturned. The MAN IN BLACK approaches an overturned red car and quietly opens the doors, unbuckles the woman inside it and helps her out, her husband watches on, frowning slightly but the MAN IN BLACK kneels down to face him and simply shakes his head.

The MAN IN BLACK and the woman from the red car walk over to a coach with all it’s windows smashed, people on the inside watching casually, The MAN IN BLACK gets on the coach and takes an elderly couple off, he gets back on and nods to a teenager, who gets off too. The MAN IN BLACK pauses while on the coach and walks right to the back where he finds a scared little girl

MAN IN BLACK

It’s ok. Come with me.

The little girl nods, looking calmer and gets out of her seat, taking the MAN IN BLACK’s hand as they walk off the bus together.

The four passengers wait for the MAN IN BLACK as he sets off amongst the car wrecks while a raven flies over the cars, cawing loudly. The MAN IN BLACK helps a man out of a white SUV and returns to the group of people who all look at each other apprehensively.

There is a pause as the MAN IN BLACK looks to all the others quietly, looking them each in the face while they look at him and each other, then as one they follow the MAN IN BLACK down the slope towards the bottom of the bridge.

As they walk down, birds start to tweet and cars start to drive past on the opposite lane, very slowly and not a lot at first but the speed and amount increase over time.

The MAN IN BLACK stops and turns around to face the man from the white SUV.

MAN IN BLACK

You. Go back, you’re not ready yet.

The man nods and turns back, starting the ascent back to the car crash again. He reaches his car and climbs in, shutting the door and pulling his seat belt back on. Then the rest of the people following the MAN IN BLACK resume walking away and as they get further they start to fade away.

The car crash seems to resume life with all the noise and action going on like a normal car crash. There was people screaming and all the people who followed the MAN IN BLACK out are not moving and dead. There are police men, ambulances and fire-trucks all around causing a commotion.

The people next to their dead loved ones try to revive them and there is a mother at the back of a coach trying to resuscitate her little girl whose soul had already faded away.

MAN IN BLACK

I hate my job.

FADE TO BLACK.

Egg Called Fred

 Dear Simon

Hello little brother, how are your travels? Last night I was went to the clubs trying to find myself a girl, it turns out it’s a bit more difficult than it looks in the movies. It’s very hard to be suave and charming like James Bond when your yelling at the top of your voice to someone apparently doesn’t speak English. “Would you like a drink Madam?” Sort of loses it’s charisma when your eyes are bulging and you’ve got a vein throbbing in your head from all the shouting.

One girl replied “Go home Wanker!” which I found a bit confusing because I don’t quite know what a wanker is, it didn’t sound very nice. When I got home at ten I put a microwave meal on wand watched Star Trek, I need to meet a woman who wants me to teach her about love, unfortunately only alien woman seem to need lessons.

Love Jonathon

Dear Johnny

I think you should try somewhere smaller to meet women, maybe one of your friends knows some girls you can try meeting? Why not look in the library for some help books? I’m sure Agnes there can help you.

I will be in Peru this week with some Japanese backpackers.

Love Simon

Sayonara!

Dear Simon

I been to my local library and found some useful self help books, they are called “minestrone for the soul”, “Get up and get out there!” and “Dogging for amateurs”. I don’t have a dog, as I’m allergic so I’m not sure why the librarian mentioned that title, but whatever helps. I found an Egg on the way home sitting alone in a pack of six and I immediately felt sorry for the poor little chap, he also has a lot of space to share but no other little eggy friends to be with, so I decided we were kindred spirits and took him home.

I will call him Fred.

Also I found out what a wanker is in the library, and I can tell you one thing I am defiantly not one. If I see one on the street, I will defiantly cross the road to avoid him.

Love Jonathon

Dear Johnny!

I’m glad you’ve made a new friend! What happened to Percy? I hope Fred will make interesting conversation. I’m not sure that book about dogs is for you and I don’t really recommend you read it, but then again, you never know what you might take an interest in! How is mum? I do miss her, I hope you tell her about my travels! I’ve decided that Peru isn’t very nice as there isn’t a decent bar for miles and it smells of gerbils so me and my girlfriend are going to Fiji.

Oh yes I have I new girlfriend, I Dumped Ermine in El Salvador and hooked up with one of the Japanese backpackers. I don’t quite know how to pronounce her name, let alone spell it but we have excellent body language if you know what I mean!

Love Simon

Dear Simon

Mum is still dead. I don’t like talking to her grave because it feels weird and Fred agrees with me. I have decided to become vegan because it’s hard to eat animals and especially their by-products when you know one, it’s a bit of a social hiccup.

I hope you don’t spend the cheque I sent too soon, as the saying goes “Don’t spend all your money in one country”

Love Johnny.

Come With Me

Come With Me exists in two forms. one as an original script format for university, the other as an attempt at a present for girlfriend. Neither worked

Come With Me

ACT 1 SCENE 1

INSIDE A HOSPITAL ROOM, JOHN SITS UPSTAGE MIDDLE WHILE HIS WIFE CLARA LAYS ON A HOSPITAL BED CENTRE STAGE. THERE IS A HEART MONITOR NEXT TO THE BED WITH A STEADY BEEPING RTHYMN

A NURSE IS STANDING UPSTAGE LEFT

JOHN              It’s not fair…

CLARA          Life isn’t sweetie

JOHN              Well it bloody well should be! I don’t want to loose you… (stifles a sob)

CLARA          Please don’t cry, I can’t bear it. All the things I wanted to do with you… All that time gone down to stupid chance

JOHN              A year… it’s not fair! A year isn’t nearly enough time for me to spend with you, I love you so much.

CLARA          (Starts to breathe raggedly) I don’t want to die without you!

HEART RATE STARTS TO QUICKEN

JOHN              Oh no don’t die! Please not yet! Not ever!

CLARA          Come with me!

JOHN              (Pause) What? I… I can’t…

CLARA          Please John come with me! I don’t want to be alone wherever I go!

JOHN IS LOST FOR WORDS

CLARA          (In tears) Don’t leave me! I love you and I don’t wanna be without you!

JOHN              (mumbles) I’m afraid

CLARA          So am I! But I just want to be with you forever! Don’t you?

JOHN              I…

CLARA          Come with me! Please!

CLARA STARTS TO GASP FOR BREATH; HER HEARTBEAT QUICKENS FASTER THEN FLAT LINES. THE NURSE STEPS TO THE BED.

NURSE           Time of death, Ten past one pm (PAUSES THEN TURNS TO THE SOBBING JOHN) I’m sorry… My grandmother died of cancer

ACT 1 SCENE 2

TOM SITS ON A PUB STOOL MIDDLE STAGE LEFT SIPPING HIS PINT AND READING A NEWSPAPER EVERY SO OFTEN CHECKING HIS WATCH.

JOHN ENTERS STAGE RIGHT AND WALKS OVER TO TOM LOOKING DISHEVELED. IN THE BACKGROUND “love will tear us apart” (by joy division) IS PLAYING

JOHN              Oh sorry I’m late, I was…umh… I’m sorry I forgot alright? But at least I’m here.

JOHN SITS ON AN OPPOSITE STOOL

TOM               Not like the last three times (SMIRKS) but it’s alright, I mean, how long was it since I last saw you?

JOHN              Four months.

TOM               Since. (IS CUT OFF)

JOHN              Yeah…

TOM               (PAUSES) You been keeping busy then?

JOHN              Not really…

TOM               (SIGHES) Uhh… Pint?

JOHN              Yeah sure

TOM STANDS AND WALKS OFF STAGE BRIEFLY WHILE JOHN SITS ON THE STOOL LOOKING UNCOMFORTABLE. AFTER A MOMENT TOM RETURNS WITH THE PINT

TOM               There you go mate, don’t worry, this one’s on me (PAUSE) so… you ok? You holding up alright?

JOHN              You know what? I’m not, this is the first time I’ve left the house for something other than shopping and work. (JOHN QUICKLY DRINKS A LARGE PORTION OF HIS PINT)

TOM               Ah shit….I’m sorry mate

JOHN              What for? It’s not like it’s your fault is it?

TOM               Well… You know, I could have been more tactful…that’s all I’m sayin..

JOHN              Well don’t say! … I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be snapping at you… How have you been?

TOM               Oh you know, work work work. I got a new Gir (DROPS OFF) nevermind…

JOHN              You don’t have to walk on eggshells… yeah I still hurt… I still hurt a lot but I’m dealing with it (HE FINISHES HIS PINT)

TOM               Well that’s good, I just wanna make sure your alright mate…

JOHN              You know the last thing she said to me?

TOM               What?

JOHN              She said “Come with me”…

TOM               Well… she was scared, I don’t blame her.

JOHN              Yeah, me neither.

TOM NODS AND DRINKS, THEN PAUSES

TOM               I know that tone… Your not thinking?

JOHN              Tom I would be with her now if I wasn’t a coward.

TOM               You’re not a coward mate…and (IS CUT OFF)

JOHN              I fucking am! I don’t want to live without her but I’m too scared to die!

TOM               Mate! What about all the other things in your life? Your family?

JOHN              She mattered more than my family, I know that sounds harsh but it’s true!

TOM               You could meet someone else… she’d want you to move on.

JOHN              You don’t know shit!

TOM               Well… I… I cant really say “Go ahead mate, need a hand offing yourself?” can I?

JOHN              I know… I know…

TOM               Just… don’t do anything rash ok?

JOHN              If rash was what I’m like I would have done it the day after she…

TOM               Well… just don’t mate? And would you do me a favour?

JOHN              What?

TOM               See a doctor? I mean a head-doctor?

JOHN              Maybe

TOM               Please?

JOHN              Listen… I’ve got to go

TOM               You only just got here!

JOHN              yeah well… I need to get home.

TOM               Alright… seeya mate

JOHN LEAVES STAGE RIGHT WITHOUT REPLYING AND TOM PICKS UP HIS PAPER AND READS AGAIN.

And now the prose format 

Come With Me

The Novel

                John was thinking about things. About the past. About the future. Whatever John was thinking, it was to avoid thinking about the present. The midday sun was timidly poking through the curtains of the flat. Thin slices of light flittered about the detritus of the fetid room. The television was stuck on a twenty-four hour news channel, as it had been the day before and the day before that. Not that John was paying any attention, just a source of noise to block out the terrible silence that seemed to fill what was once their home.
                John was thinking about two divergent possibilities. The one that had already happened and the one that could have been. Where his and Clara’s paths could have split and they would have never been, they could have never met, never got on, had some falling out and broken up. All of which seemed a much brighter possibility “Such is the benefit of Hindsight” John thought to himself. John’s flat hadn’t been cleaned in months, not properly at least, there was no stink of rotting food or discarded human matter tossed aside carelessly. The problem with the flat was it had become stale, like a mausoleum without the dead. The amber drink in John’s tumbler was tilting as the third drink since he awoke was taking its affect, calling him into the numb sleep. The answering machine light flittered on and off, full of unheard messages that bore no meaning to John any more.
John’s mind swung from the possibilities of an alternate world back into reality, and what was real, what had really happened and how it had shattered his idyllic life.

*

John strode across the university campus. The bare trees were showing the slightest signs of leaves and life, the winter miasma that spreads over any academic institution was lifting as the days were getting longer. Students had begun to sporadically populate the lawns and benches that decorate the campus, although they were still clothed in jumpers and coats, the dawn of spring instilled the will and the life to end their voluntary hibernation. It was the final year for John and he was approaching it with a mix of emotions, the finality to his youth and the encroaching adulthood was met with a sense of fearful excitement, the same fearful excitement of waiting for a rollercoaster, the thrills and the scares mixed into a tight ball in the pit of your stomach.

John had a destination and a purpose. Go to the student union bar, meet Alexandra (or Alley as she prefer) and drink as many noxious liquids as their bodies and wallets could handle. Alexandra was John’s best friend from college and it was a no coincidence that they had attended the same university, John had chosen to study Law at Manchester and Alexandra had decided to study Sociology at Manchester Met. While John was leading their friendship, the shared benefit of this move to the same city granted them the benefit of having someone to rely on in a strange and large city.

Squirrel Storage

SCENE 1

EXT MORNING  employment office window, a young woman called EMMA BRENNER browsing the jobs in the window, looks closely at a job saying “Storage facility maintenance, 10 pm – 6 am, £15 pound an hour, must have strong mental constitution” she smiles and walks indoors and takes the card out of the window.

SCENE 2

INT MORNING inside the employment office, EMMA walks to an office where a fussy looking man sat at an old office desk is looking nervous. EMMA stands at the table

EMMA

Hi I was told to talk to you about the storage job?

ADVISOR

What?! You want that job?

EMMA

Urmh, Yes?

ADVISOR

Well I suppose you’d better sit down then

EMMA pauses, looking at the office chair warily, but then sits down

EMMA

Long day?

ADVISOR

Yes! What’s that got to do with it?  Pause I’m sorry I’m a little stressed, it’s just this job.

EMMA

I thought working here you’d be able to find a better job!

ADVISOR

What? No no, this job is fine; I’m talking about the one your applying for

EMMA

Really? What’s wrong with it?

The ADVISOR takes a deep breath to speak then pauses, and starts to shake his head smiling, while his eyebrow twitches

ADVISOR

Nothing! Nothing, it just has a high drop out rate, that’s all, lots of people can’t take working nights. I know I can’t! Repeats under his breath I know I can’t....

EMMA

Well, ok, it seems like a good job...

ADVISOR

Yes! It is, easy work, all you do is watch a storage facility, nothing expensive there, and you can just read the paper!

EMMA

Are you sure it doesn’t require anything else?

ADVISOR

No no.... pause no it’s fine. When can you start?

EMMA

Don’t you want to know my qualifications?

 The ADVISOR pauses again and nods slowly, he is sweating

ADVISOR

Yes! Yes I do, what qualifications do you have?

EMMA

Well I have a B in socio-

The ADIVSOR cuts her off

ADVISOR

Good enough! Can you start you start tonight?

EMMA

Well I suppose I can

ADVISOR

Good! I hope you... I hope you do well!

ADVISOR hands her a leaflet of information and walks away hurriedly

SCENE 3

EXT 10PM an elderly looking man called MIKE is standing outside a large warehouse with large doors big enough for an aeroplane to fit through. On the front of the building in large blue letters it says SQUIRREL STORAGE with a blue logo of a squirrel. MIKE is wearing a uniform; leaning on a cane and is standing next to an opening in the large doors just big enough for a person to fit through. EMMA walks towards him

MIKE

‘Ello! You must be the girl sent by the job offie!

EMMA

Yes! Hello I’m Emma, I’m sorry but I wasn’t told much at the job office.

MIKE

Well it’s easy, you just make sure nothing interrupts the computers; the squirrels stay in sleep mode and call the numbers on the list in case anyone tries to break in.

EMMA

I’m sorry but what? Squirrels?

MIKE

Doesn’t the title really give you a clue? Squirrel storage, this is where we store the nation’s squirrel supply

EMMA

Erm, this may seem like a stupid question, but why?

MIKE

Exasperatedly I don’t have much time to explain this, but when grey squirrels came into Britain, they out-bred and killed off all the red squirrels, and then very quickly, killed themselves off too. They’re thick see?

EMMA

Erm...

MIKE

Squirrels are vital to the environment of the world, not just Britain, it’s very simple, and anyone could understand it. I don’t, but I’m sure you could.

EMMA

But?!

MIKE

Just watch them! It’s easy I’ve been doing it for ten years and look at me! I’m fine!

EMMA

Hesitantly Alright... I’ll give it a try PAUSE  I’m not wearing a uniform; I guess I’ll get it at sometime right?

MIKE

Don’t worry about it, you’ll be the only one here anyway, no one will notice!

EMMA

Oh, WAIT! What?!

MIKE

My shift’s over luv! I’m off to town to get blitzed, I’ll be thirty soon, can’t do all nighters long after that!

MIKE steps away with his cane

EMMA

Wait! What do I do if something goes wrong?

MIKE  turns to EMMA

MIKE

Just call the number on the side and follow the instructions they give you!

MIKE leaves EMMA by herself and she hesitantly walks inside.

SCENE 4

EMMA  walks inside the cavernous storage room and she is confront with row after thousands of rows of squirrels hanging upside down on hooks by their tales, all rigid and in the same position, to her right is a set of metal stairs that lead up to a square observatory office with chairs, monitors, computer screens, a newspaper and a tea and coffee machine. EMMA walks up the stairs and slowly sits

EMMA

Well this could be interesting...

Title on the screen TEN MINUTES LATER

EMMA

Boring... boring..... bored

EMMA puts her feet up on the edge of the console, and promptly knocks over a cold cup of tea onto and she gives and shrill gasp of fright, she stands and starts to mop up the tea with the bottom of her shirt when she notices to red dots of light coming from the warehouse, then four, then 6 then 10 and so on until she is confronted with thousands of red little dots of red light which dim and turn out to be the eyes of thousands of squirrels looking at her.

EMMA

Very quietly Fuck...

The squirrels pour out of the warehouse in one mass movement, in less than half a minute the entire place is devoid of squirrels. EMMA turns to the list and slowly picks of the phone

EMMA

Umh, Hi, All the squirrels got out?

Meritocracy

The Scene opens up to the interior of a McDonalds. SHELLY and TREVOR are sat at a table a table piled high with fast food and empty wrappers while a soft pop song pays in the background with lyrics something along the line of “Baby baby, you’re my baby, baby baby ooh love” and “I’ll buy you what you need, I’ll buy You want you want, I’ll buy you”

SHELLY

‘Ere have you heard the news?

TREVOR

Wassat then?

SHELLY

You mean you’ve not seen the main news?

TREVOR

No I’ve not! You know I don’t watch the news; it does me ‘ead in!

SHELLY

Britney’s lost ‘er kids again!

TREVOR

Again?

SHELLY

Yeer, she says she still loves them.

TREVOR

Come on now, this is getting stupid

SHELLY

Wot? I love my kids like that!

TREVOR

Yeah but your kids aren’t thirty!

SHELLY

She just loves them! Leave Britney alone!

TREVOR

For Christ’s Sake!

SIMON enters and walks to SHELLY’s and TREVOR’s table and clears aside the debris of wasted food wrappers

SIMON

A’ right Trev, BEAT hiya Shelly

TREVOR

Ya’right Si?

SIMON

Nah, some shit’s goin

INTERUPTED BY SHELLY

SHELLY

Why’d you invite this nob for?! He’s a mental!

SIMON

Why am I a mental shel? Because I don’t accept the lies your spoon fed?!

SHELLY

Oh yeah and nine eleven was a trick was it?

SIMON

Don’t get me started on that

SHELLY

Why?! Cuz Hitler did it? Or whatever bollocks your on this weekend

TREVOR

All we wanna do is have dinner, why are you to chattin on with yourselves?!

SIMON

Because we have to do something to stop the new world order!

SHELLY

Oh for God’s sake!

SIMON

I’m not pissing about Shelly!

SHELLY

It doesn’t matter! You and your mental ‘ead ideas about the Tony Blair and George Brown don’t mean anything in the real world!

SIMON

SHOUTING If you let me finish then of course they fucking matter!

TREVOR

Whats up Si?

SHELLY

Are the whales working with the aliens?

SIMON

Fuck off Shel!

TREVOR

Si! Calm down, what’s up?

SIMON calms himself down

SIMON

It’s Mickey, he’s gone

TREVOR

What dya mean gone?

SIMON

I mean GONE, you ask his family, they don’t even admit he existed

SHELLY

What dya mean they wont admit he existed?! Course ‘e fookin did, e’s been on the piss enough with us.

SIMON

I dunno, I told him about all the websites I was looking at and then a couple of weeks later ‘e was gone.

TREVOR

What Websites?

SIMON

Conspir... BEAT  Truth Websites

TREVOR

What the fuck have you done Si?

SIMON

Why is it my fucking fault?!

TREVOR STANDS AND LEAVES

SIMON

I was just telling him the truth!